Time doesn’t move fast
Each moment you want it to last
Forever and forever
Life is too troubled
Hopes and dreams crumbled
One after the other after another
Can it get any worse
Will all my efforts reverse
Will they get any better
I will always survive
How much ever I have to strive
With friends and foes as fixture
You have all been there for me
Through hell and back free
Lot more hell for us both to see
With you by my side
Your support when I cried
To wipe away my tears for me
I can take on this world now
Accept all crap that you will allow
Can stand up straight
I can only promise you
I will never say adieu
Will always be there right next to you
I don’t know what in future, will come
What sweet memories or venom
Together we will hold out
All this isn’t new
Everything we had already knew
But it just feels so good to review
2 comments:
Yes, I'm back as promised. Okay, umm, I like the sentiments here. Most of the lines are so very good. But, the sad keyword is "most".
Some suggestions, if I may:
Stick to the same tense.
"With you by my side
Your support when I cried
To wipe away my tears for me"
These lines dangle between something you are expecting in future and the past.
"One after the other after another"
You could limit this to just one "another". Or, use multiple "another" instead.
"Accept all crap that you will allow"
Word usage - "crap"; you could something more formal, I reckon. Crap does intensify the line. But, it does so quite informally in an overall formal piece. Does that make sense?
"Can stand up straight"
You could turn this line to a more reassuring one;
I shall stand up straight.
"I can only promise you"
Umm, you could polish this line.
Okay, all the suggestions above are strictly during songwriting. But, having said that, a few could apply for poems as well.
I like the feel of the entire piece. But, I strongly believe you have the ability to polish this furthermore.
Mate, feelings is the tallest hurdle. And, you have managed to jump across it. Now, work on the others. Well done, you!!!
that was a very insightful review...man...i never thought of the way i jump tenses..thanks for bringin that up to me...will definitely polish it up as time goes by...
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