21 Days - Day 13

"So how you feeling today.." I asked in my most cheerful tone.

Smita looked up, managed a smile, that just broke my heart into a million pieces, before replying," I am good.."

I checked on her vitals and her charts and saw that she was stating the truth. She was managing quite well and her results were looking up. Only one small thing was down. Her WBC count was down. We could look at this in two ways. The radiation was working. The other way to look at it was now she was losing her immunity. She is prone to infection about 10x times more.

"So..no issues of cold, cough or fever right?" I enquired.

"No...Had headache in the morning but now I am fine."

I nodded and went back to writing the status on her charts.

"Excuse me....Is this where Smita is ..oh Hiiii Smitaaa!!!!"

I turned around so quickly I almost lost balance. The voice belonged to a girl of about Smita's age. She had peeked through the door and now with affirmation that she was in the right room boldly entered.

"How are you Smita...when you coming back to school...You know the play we were practicing for is happening on the 23rd....we miss you there...so how are things...how you feeling now...Preetha also wanted to come but she had her violin class....my dad brought me here....we got a new car...you should see it....it is so big and it speaks to you..."

The barrage of questions interspersed with statements continued for another 3-4 minutes before she stopped. I guess she ran out of breath and was just about to start off again when Smita interrupted.

"Doctor, this is my classmate Jaanvi...We live in the same apartment also...Jaanvi, this is my doctor...she takes good care of me."

The girl turned to me and gave a 3 second smile, practiced to perfection before turning back to her friend.

"So...how are things...did you hear about the new watchman we got in our flat...oh he is so funny...he has got a funny way of walking...our block kids have already named him Mr.Penguin....Mrs.Shanthi is killing us with more and more homework every day and we have a test on.."

I gently closed the door and let them two converse alone. It must be good for Smita to get to meet a friend, and get back a glimpse of what was normal in her life. A link back to normalcy. I went around the ward checking up on my other patients.

It must have been 15-20 minutes before I came before Smita's room. I hesitated before opening the door, not really wanting to disturb them. I, however found her gone and Smita lying on the bed reading some book.

"Oh is your friend gone?" I asked.

"Jaanvi is not my friend. She is just in my class and flats." Smita replied curtly.

"Ok..I understand." I said, getting to know a bit more about Smita's friends than I needed to.

"Have you ever felt like, whatever you do, how much ever you try hard or want something, that you might not get it in the end? What do you do then?" she asked.

Not knowing the reason behind such a question, I prepared to give a suitable answer when she continued.

"When you are not going to get what you want, why should I even try to get that? Knowing that I am going to fail, why should I even try?"

Now I was confused as to how to answer this. But she once again took away that worry from me.

"Isn't giving up before trying better than trying and failing? "

This time it ended as though she was waiting for an answer. I gave it to her.

"Smita, nothing is certain. In anything. Whether you will get or not get what you want is never confirmed till it happens. Till the time it actually happens. So how can you give up on something without trying? What if by giving up you are giving up on getting the thing that you wanted? You say that you are not going to get something and want to give up? think in the reverse. What if you will get that thing that you want only if you try, which you are not doing because you think that you will not get it. Dont you think that is wrong?"

She looked at me as though I had just said something that was either path-breaking or pure nonsense.

I continued.

" All of us are given chances to get what we want. It is upto us to see if we use that chance and try and get what we are capable of getting. If we give up on that chance then what we are doing is refusing the chance that god gave us."

"But why does God have to make it so tough and hard? What did I do wrong that I am not getting it after trying so hard?"

I was not sure as to how to handle this. Sure, I went through psychiatry during my medical course, but only as a credit point and not in depth. I wasnt sure whether to broach the subject of death and the inevitability of death for all human beings when she spoke again.

"Jaanvi got the lead part in the school play. I wanted to be Snow White so badly. I really tried hard. I even got a new gown stitched and all"

The relief on my face must have been obvious. It was about a play after all. I smiled and said,"Dont worry, you shall get it. If not this time , the next time for sure."

I switched off the light and turned to leave at the door. At the door I turned back and looked at her still form now. She was a kid after all. Just a kid.

Day 14