You have got mail !!!

More than often, we had to write letters that weren't totally pleasant and some were downright tough and hard to write. But even then, they had to be written.

Here I compile a few letters that I think would have been as tough to write as it was to read.

(DISCLAIMER : All these are figments of my imagination and bear no resemblance to any living or dead person. If such people do really exist, then, well you have got a template now to base your next letter upon )

Love letter

Dear Jessica,

I know it has been quite some time since we last met. In fact the last time that we met, you ended up paying the dinner bill and catching a 32 mile cab drive home. You can probably attribute to the fact that I went to the rest-room and scrambled out of the window. You maybe thinking that it was because of the fact that for the entire 29 minutes of the meal, you had to talk about how your 7 dogs had to be de-balls-ified. What more, Your recital of the same procedure seven times in such a short duration had me thinking as to how exciting a life with you would be. More exciting than watching paint dry while someone plays the recording of fingernails on the blackboard over and over …and over again.

Any way I hope you have a great life ahead. One pointer..in the future, when on a date, it would be immensely better if you would start of the date with something pleasant like the weather or even your job(which I doubt is pleasant) and not start with the flatulence incident of last week. Trust me. It’s not funny. 

All the best,

Jimmy coburn

Job application

Respected Sir,

                 

            Foremost, I would like to thank you for granting me your valuable time for my interview for  the position of junior aisle cleaner in your esteemed establishment. I apologize for arriving at the interview venue well past the mutually scheduled time. I was afflicted by a serious case of incapacitation due to an excessive intake of alcohol and thereby intoxication by aforementioned substance. 

            As I recall, there might have been spontaneous outbursts of verbal profanity, often comprehending genealogy and particularly certain offensive verbiage against your female parent. I profusely apologize for the same.

            

           I would certainly be much obliged to you if you could provide me with a second chance at redressing my earlier application to be successfully employed by your organization.  As you can see I went to great pains to ensure that my language is above par to ease away the memory of our earlier meeting.

   

Respectfully yours,

Michael

Agony Aunt

Dear Aunt Agatha,

              

              I have been a reader of your column for the past six years and have always found the advice that you have given to your readers to be extremely useful. I have been married for the past 10 years and have been living happily with my husband and two kids of age 7 and 3.

            Recently I read a reader’s question to you in your column, who talks about how her husband seems to have lost interest in the marriage and seems to be spending more time at office than required and always looking for a reason to start a fight. I drew parallels and saw that my life was exactly in the same position as the person who had written to you for advice.   

            You had advised her to be more caring and open to her husband’s needs and talk to him directly to see how best the situation could be handled and the romance could be revived.

I followed your advice and talked to my husband sweetly and in a understanding tone. I asked him what his problems are and how I could help to solve them. I also asked him, like you suggested if there was anything that we could do to revive our marriage. From that time onwards, he has become suspicious of me and refuses to eat anything that I cooked until I ate it first. He is paranoid and maniacally screams that I am out to kill him. Can you kindly help?

A distressed wife