Ashok woke up, once again shook up into the real world by the highly squeaky voice of the flight attendant. He was back in the States and it was going to be a return to the high-pressure of his job in a day's time. A week off from his work and he knew that he would be buried under the loads of emails that he had to respond and repair any situations created by the person he had left in charge.
He caught a cab from the airport to his studio apartment and before long he was lugging the two heavy suitcases into his tiny but comfortable home. He went about the flat, trying to correct any mess that came about by an owner not being present in the house. He watered the plants that he tried to grow in the corner of the flat. He looked at the blinking messages on the answering machine. It must be people from the office. He hadnt given his number to anyone, not that he had any friends here to whom he could give it to.
He poured himself a drink and settled into the huge couch that doubled as his bed at times before hitting the answering machine. The first couple of messages was from work.It was Tom apologizing for the earlier call and saying his condolences for his dad's demise. The second message was from Tom too. Tom was asking for status on the Winderhoff file. This must have been the first call. Must have got the info about the death in the meantime and called back. He deleted that message as well.
He took a sip of the whiskey, withholding the ice inside.
"Ashok..you there?" Ashok almost spat the shot of whiskey in his mouth. He hadnt expected to hear this voice ever again.
"Ashok..It's me. your dad. you there?"
Ashok shook his head in disbelief. Things like this happened in movies. Not to him. Not to people living in the real world.
" Ashok..if you are there and dont want to talk to me, it's fine. I just felt like talking to you. It has been some time since i spoke to you and even then i dont think we talked as such. Listen...I dont know what went wrong between us or whether even things were right to begin with. As long as your mom was there, i never had to worry about any of this. She took good care of you and of me. She knew that i wasnt great father material or even a great husband. But she knew that i loved her, that i loved you and i cared for both of you and did what i could do within my limits to ensure a good life for both of you."
Ashok shook his head. A deathbed confession. Typical of his dad.Having the last word.
"I am not trying to justify myself or my actions to you. I dont think i need to. And frankly i know that nothing is going to change even if i do. What you view as my shortcomings or mistakes are because of what i am and there is nothing i can do about it. I am proud of what i am and what i have achieved in my life. But with victory in some areas, must come disaster in others. Your mother understood this and she ensured that i dont lose much in other areas and supported me. Of course i couldnt reciprocate much to her or to you. "
There was a pause in between and Ashok wondered if that was all that was there when it continued.
"I dont know why i am talking all this to you....or whether you are going to listen to all of this even. I dont know if i am expecting a change or result out of this. But i finally feel my energy has run out. What has pushed me on for so long, for so many years..i can feel it coming to an end. I know that i am at the end of my lifespan here. I just wanted to ensure that i dont leave without telling you certain things. You may hate me for the way your life turned out, but i am proud of the way that you have turned out. Damn proud. I know my trust in Susheela wasnt in vain. She has molded you into the person you are today. When you left the other day for the US, what i saw was not the shy boy that used to cower behind his mom, or the reluctant school kid or the lazy college guy..i saw a grown man and i am proud to call that man my son. I wanted to hug you tight and hold on to you but i did what i think gentlemen do. Shake hands as equals.Or as superiors. You are on the verge of beginning your next phase in life and i am just glad that you didnt turn out like me. Susheela has ensured that. "
Ashok felt a tear run down his cheek and wanted to wipe it away but let it go.
"I have so much to tell you. Of how my life has been. Of the lessons that i had learnt. Of the people that i had met and interacted with. To teach you so many things that i had learnt the hard way. But i see that there is no need. You are learned man, a grown man and a son any father would be proud of. I dont expect to suddenly get close to you, now that i am in my final years. To get a shoulder to support me. To have someone to take care of me. I dont expect any of that because i never ever met that expectation of yours while you grew up. I just wanted to tell this to you. I would have preferred telling you this in person but i dont think you will ever come back soon enough for that to happen. Son, I just want to tell you this.I love you. I am proud of you and wish that i hadn't been the way that i ha..."
The message ended. The tape had run out. Ashok stood up, took a towel from the hanger. He was crying profusely. He looked around at the empty apartment synonymous with his empty life. He broke out in tears and cuddled into the couch.
He caught a cab from the airport to his studio apartment and before long he was lugging the two heavy suitcases into his tiny but comfortable home. He went about the flat, trying to correct any mess that came about by an owner not being present in the house. He watered the plants that he tried to grow in the corner of the flat. He looked at the blinking messages on the answering machine. It must be people from the office. He hadnt given his number to anyone, not that he had any friends here to whom he could give it to.
He poured himself a drink and settled into the huge couch that doubled as his bed at times before hitting the answering machine. The first couple of messages was from work.It was Tom apologizing for the earlier call and saying his condolences for his dad's demise. The second message was from Tom too. Tom was asking for status on the Winderhoff file. This must have been the first call. Must have got the info about the death in the meantime and called back. He deleted that message as well.
He took a sip of the whiskey, withholding the ice inside.
"Ashok..you there?" Ashok almost spat the shot of whiskey in his mouth. He hadnt expected to hear this voice ever again.
"Ashok..It's me. your dad. you there?"
Ashok shook his head in disbelief. Things like this happened in movies. Not to him. Not to people living in the real world.
" Ashok..if you are there and dont want to talk to me, it's fine. I just felt like talking to you. It has been some time since i spoke to you and even then i dont think we talked as such. Listen...I dont know what went wrong between us or whether even things were right to begin with. As long as your mom was there, i never had to worry about any of this. She took good care of you and of me. She knew that i wasnt great father material or even a great husband. But she knew that i loved her, that i loved you and i cared for both of you and did what i could do within my limits to ensure a good life for both of you."
Ashok shook his head. A deathbed confession. Typical of his dad.Having the last word.
"I am not trying to justify myself or my actions to you. I dont think i need to. And frankly i know that nothing is going to change even if i do. What you view as my shortcomings or mistakes are because of what i am and there is nothing i can do about it. I am proud of what i am and what i have achieved in my life. But with victory in some areas, must come disaster in others. Your mother understood this and she ensured that i dont lose much in other areas and supported me. Of course i couldnt reciprocate much to her or to you. "
There was a pause in between and Ashok wondered if that was all that was there when it continued.
"I dont know why i am talking all this to you....or whether you are going to listen to all of this even. I dont know if i am expecting a change or result out of this. But i finally feel my energy has run out. What has pushed me on for so long, for so many years..i can feel it coming to an end. I know that i am at the end of my lifespan here. I just wanted to ensure that i dont leave without telling you certain things. You may hate me for the way your life turned out, but i am proud of the way that you have turned out. Damn proud. I know my trust in Susheela wasnt in vain. She has molded you into the person you are today. When you left the other day for the US, what i saw was not the shy boy that used to cower behind his mom, or the reluctant school kid or the lazy college guy..i saw a grown man and i am proud to call that man my son. I wanted to hug you tight and hold on to you but i did what i think gentlemen do. Shake hands as equals.Or as superiors. You are on the verge of beginning your next phase in life and i am just glad that you didnt turn out like me. Susheela has ensured that. "
Ashok felt a tear run down his cheek and wanted to wipe it away but let it go.
"I have so much to tell you. Of how my life has been. Of the lessons that i had learnt. Of the people that i had met and interacted with. To teach you so many things that i had learnt the hard way. But i see that there is no need. You are learned man, a grown man and a son any father would be proud of. I dont expect to suddenly get close to you, now that i am in my final years. To get a shoulder to support me. To have someone to take care of me. I dont expect any of that because i never ever met that expectation of yours while you grew up. I just wanted to tell this to you. I would have preferred telling you this in person but i dont think you will ever come back soon enough for that to happen. Son, I just want to tell you this.I love you. I am proud of you and wish that i hadn't been the way that i ha..."
The message ended. The tape had run out. Ashok stood up, took a towel from the hanger. He was crying profusely. He looked around at the empty apartment synonymous with his empty life. He broke out in tears and cuddled into the couch.
0 comments:
Post a Comment