I sit down to write this, at a time, when nothing is coherent in my mind, my body isnt reacting to my needs, my tongue is tied for words and seriously I don't know what I am doing. My father passed away on the 31st of May. World No Tobacco day. A fitting ironical play by fate for a smoker of 30 years. I put the date above as I dont know when I will publish this, if at all I will. I loved my dad. Not exactly like the typical way that others do. I knew of his flaws. He was no superman. He was no super villain too. He was ordinary, which itself was an extraordinary thing to be.
My dad was the go-to guy for me. The person that I went to whenever I had problems. Not like others from the very beginning of my childhood though. He had his own demons to fight, some which he vanquished, some that he lost to and yet some more that was at a permanent standstill. He knew that. He choose which battles to fight and which not to and which was of no use fighting for. He kept trying to teach me this lesson although I never bothered to adhere completely. We became closer when I got old (in my case that was pretty early, right after my schooling). Even then it wasnt a father-son relationship, but the ease of a peer relation. He treated me with respect and I did the same with him. He accepted my decisions, my plans, my desires and helped me wherever and whenever he could to further all of them.
I loved my dad. I hated him for some of the things that he did. Some of his decisions were misguided and downright crazy but that didnt matter. I loved him for all of that too. One thing that I learned from him, that I try to follow is "Non Illegitimati carborundum" roughly translated from latin it means "dont let the bastards grind you down" . For those who know me, they are often surprised by tenacity, my never give up attitude even in the face of sheer defeat. I learnt that from him. If heaven exists and there should definitely be internet up there, I want to ask my dad this. " I never gave up on anything...why did you? Why did you give up on living so soon? "
I still cant believe that he doesnt exist physically any more. All those people who came and comforted me saying that his spirit is always there, F U. I dont want his spirit. I wanted his presence next to me. I wanted him to take his granddaughter to school, teach her, play with her. Train her the way he trained me. Slowly and without my knowledge. He made me prepared for this day so long back without me even realizing it.
Me and my dad discussed everything. Every possible crap under the sun. Things that you wouldnt even discuss with your best friend, feeling slightly apprehensive of what they might think of you. Things that I cant even put down here. And this was not just two idiots gabbing. It was quite a detailed discussion with some sense of clarity and intellect in it. One of the things that we discussed that I think I can put down here was death. To be more precise, our deaths. Both our lives was shortened and at risk from about 13 years back. I got diabetes and he got a heart condition. So both of us knew that some good day, sooner or later, one of us would have to deal with the demise of the other. So we put plans for that day. We discussed what the other should do in that case. I hope that I did my part of the deal. Why didnt you, Dad? I wish I had gone before you. I didnt want this emptiness. This void in my workspace, in my home, in my mind. The only place there is no void is in my thoughts. Every single breath I take, I notice, I remember, I cry about something that we discussed together. We discussed a crazy load of stuff that it would be tough not to have touched upon something.
Remember the story that you keep telling me about 10 guys hanging on to a cliff? The hero is the guy who hangs on one minute longer than the rest. In this moment, I am being the hero, dad. I am hanging on one minute longer than you. Except that it wouldnt be just one minute longer. All the plans that we hatched together. All the dreams that you had. I am taking ownership of all of that. I am taking them to completion. once I am satisfied that I have done everything that we had planned for, then its time for us to have a tete-a-tete . This would take a while, since there was no end to the things that we planned, nor the visions that you had. I think I have enough stuff to keep me busy for the next 2 to 3 decades. When that is done, both of us are going to have a serious chat, man. You just cant up yourself and walk away from all of this, just like that. I knew you were tired. I knew you were frustrated that things werent moving at your speed. I knew your health was bothering you but you cannot do this. Not when all through these years whenever I was in the hospital at the verge of death, you keep telling me to fight back and not give up. This is hypocrisy and one thing that I knew that you hate was hypocrisy. This is so unlike you, that I still peek up, take a glance at the clock, wondering when you would be coming in through the front door.
I dont know what I have written so far. I didnt know who else to say this to. Usually I say this to you. Now I feel truly lonely. I have a great family, full of care and love. What I dont have is you right now. And you are the one person I need utmost. So many days we have been without speaking a single word, not out of animosity but because of the busy schedule of both of us. But we had a connect. You knew how I would react and I knew how you would react. There wasnt a need for speech between us. You were always careful to ensure that no one was hurt by your actions until you wanted to hurt them. Why then did you do this to me? did i do something wrong that needed a punishment? Even then, why this harsh a punishment?
We were both so prepared for our respective deaths and for each other's deaths. Then, too, this hurts. Not because you left me. But because you left me sooner that you led me to believe. I am glad for one thing though. I am glad that I didnt die. Not for any selfish reason or fantasy of immortality. You, above everybody else knows I didnt care about death, just that I wasnt foolish enough to kill myself. But for the simple reason, I dont want you to go through this pain, dad. Trust me when I say this, It hurts like crazy. And you know more than anybody on my pain threshold. This is more than I can take. I dont know how long it would take before I can make myself numb to this pain. But till then, its going to sear through my mind and body like nothing before. You, the man, who suffered most when I was in pain, when I lay motionless or writhing in the hospitals, you have caused me the most pain that I will ever feel in my life. The irony of it strangles me.
I seriously thought of finishing this note a couple of paras back, but not able to stop. Its like I am talking to you. And I dont want to stop. I am scared if I stop, then the reality comes back. I have been accused of being a selfish, vain, arrogant egomaniac many times through my life, atleast the second part of my life. That was my way of fighting my inner demons. But whatever the external vibe I gave off, you knew I was true in my heart. Then why is it, that so many of those that I truly loved, have left me midway and went off? Is it the trust in me that you have that I can handle things? No.. I cant do it without you. I dont want you to fight my battles for me. I want you to be there on the sidelines, seeing me fight them all off. Dont give me the bull about being there with me always. I dont give a crap about the metaphysical state, souls and crap. Ok. This is turning into a rant session. I will continue my discussion with you later on.
I love you dad. Because of you, I exist. Like this. I may have accused you many times of the things that you didnt do for me. I have shouted all of that to your face itself. But I have realized that and apologized to you, plenty of times too. I just hope that my apologies make up for all the crap that i have done to you. I just hope that i have loved you enough. Made you feel loved enough. Because I certainly feel that you have loved me the best way any body could ever do. You are the dad that no one could possibly ever get. I am missing you like crazy. But I know all that I have to do when I need you is to shut out this world and think back to our talks. We would have certainly discussed whatever is troubling me at that time long back.
One word to people who read this, if at all I publish this. My dad lived by the motto " Postponement of gratification". He made me live by that too. Its a good one to live by. But only for yourself. Never postpone gratification for your dad or your mom or any of your loved one. You never know when you run out of time. I did.
My dad was the go-to guy for me. The person that I went to whenever I had problems. Not like others from the very beginning of my childhood though. He had his own demons to fight, some which he vanquished, some that he lost to and yet some more that was at a permanent standstill. He knew that. He choose which battles to fight and which not to and which was of no use fighting for. He kept trying to teach me this lesson although I never bothered to adhere completely. We became closer when I got old (in my case that was pretty early, right after my schooling). Even then it wasnt a father-son relationship, but the ease of a peer relation. He treated me with respect and I did the same with him. He accepted my decisions, my plans, my desires and helped me wherever and whenever he could to further all of them.
I loved my dad. I hated him for some of the things that he did. Some of his decisions were misguided and downright crazy but that didnt matter. I loved him for all of that too. One thing that I learned from him, that I try to follow is "Non Illegitimati carborundum" roughly translated from latin it means "dont let the bastards grind you down" . For those who know me, they are often surprised by tenacity, my never give up attitude even in the face of sheer defeat. I learnt that from him. If heaven exists and there should definitely be internet up there, I want to ask my dad this. " I never gave up on anything...why did you? Why did you give up on living so soon? "
I still cant believe that he doesnt exist physically any more. All those people who came and comforted me saying that his spirit is always there, F U. I dont want his spirit. I wanted his presence next to me. I wanted him to take his granddaughter to school, teach her, play with her. Train her the way he trained me. Slowly and without my knowledge. He made me prepared for this day so long back without me even realizing it.
Me and my dad discussed everything. Every possible crap under the sun. Things that you wouldnt even discuss with your best friend, feeling slightly apprehensive of what they might think of you. Things that I cant even put down here. And this was not just two idiots gabbing. It was quite a detailed discussion with some sense of clarity and intellect in it. One of the things that we discussed that I think I can put down here was death. To be more precise, our deaths. Both our lives was shortened and at risk from about 13 years back. I got diabetes and he got a heart condition. So both of us knew that some good day, sooner or later, one of us would have to deal with the demise of the other. So we put plans for that day. We discussed what the other should do in that case. I hope that I did my part of the deal. Why didnt you, Dad? I wish I had gone before you. I didnt want this emptiness. This void in my workspace, in my home, in my mind. The only place there is no void is in my thoughts. Every single breath I take, I notice, I remember, I cry about something that we discussed together. We discussed a crazy load of stuff that it would be tough not to have touched upon something.
Remember the story that you keep telling me about 10 guys hanging on to a cliff? The hero is the guy who hangs on one minute longer than the rest. In this moment, I am being the hero, dad. I am hanging on one minute longer than you. Except that it wouldnt be just one minute longer. All the plans that we hatched together. All the dreams that you had. I am taking ownership of all of that. I am taking them to completion. once I am satisfied that I have done everything that we had planned for, then its time for us to have a tete-a-tete . This would take a while, since there was no end to the things that we planned, nor the visions that you had. I think I have enough stuff to keep me busy for the next 2 to 3 decades. When that is done, both of us are going to have a serious chat, man. You just cant up yourself and walk away from all of this, just like that. I knew you were tired. I knew you were frustrated that things werent moving at your speed. I knew your health was bothering you but you cannot do this. Not when all through these years whenever I was in the hospital at the verge of death, you keep telling me to fight back and not give up. This is hypocrisy and one thing that I knew that you hate was hypocrisy. This is so unlike you, that I still peek up, take a glance at the clock, wondering when you would be coming in through the front door.
I dont know what I have written so far. I didnt know who else to say this to. Usually I say this to you. Now I feel truly lonely. I have a great family, full of care and love. What I dont have is you right now. And you are the one person I need utmost. So many days we have been without speaking a single word, not out of animosity but because of the busy schedule of both of us. But we had a connect. You knew how I would react and I knew how you would react. There wasnt a need for speech between us. You were always careful to ensure that no one was hurt by your actions until you wanted to hurt them. Why then did you do this to me? did i do something wrong that needed a punishment? Even then, why this harsh a punishment?
We were both so prepared for our respective deaths and for each other's deaths. Then, too, this hurts. Not because you left me. But because you left me sooner that you led me to believe. I am glad for one thing though. I am glad that I didnt die. Not for any selfish reason or fantasy of immortality. You, above everybody else knows I didnt care about death, just that I wasnt foolish enough to kill myself. But for the simple reason, I dont want you to go through this pain, dad. Trust me when I say this, It hurts like crazy. And you know more than anybody on my pain threshold. This is more than I can take. I dont know how long it would take before I can make myself numb to this pain. But till then, its going to sear through my mind and body like nothing before. You, the man, who suffered most when I was in pain, when I lay motionless or writhing in the hospitals, you have caused me the most pain that I will ever feel in my life. The irony of it strangles me.
I seriously thought of finishing this note a couple of paras back, but not able to stop. Its like I am talking to you. And I dont want to stop. I am scared if I stop, then the reality comes back. I have been accused of being a selfish, vain, arrogant egomaniac many times through my life, atleast the second part of my life. That was my way of fighting my inner demons. But whatever the external vibe I gave off, you knew I was true in my heart. Then why is it, that so many of those that I truly loved, have left me midway and went off? Is it the trust in me that you have that I can handle things? No.. I cant do it without you. I dont want you to fight my battles for me. I want you to be there on the sidelines, seeing me fight them all off. Dont give me the bull about being there with me always. I dont give a crap about the metaphysical state, souls and crap. Ok. This is turning into a rant session. I will continue my discussion with you later on.
I love you dad. Because of you, I exist. Like this. I may have accused you many times of the things that you didnt do for me. I have shouted all of that to your face itself. But I have realized that and apologized to you, plenty of times too. I just hope that my apologies make up for all the crap that i have done to you. I just hope that i have loved you enough. Made you feel loved enough. Because I certainly feel that you have loved me the best way any body could ever do. You are the dad that no one could possibly ever get. I am missing you like crazy. But I know all that I have to do when I need you is to shut out this world and think back to our talks. We would have certainly discussed whatever is troubling me at that time long back.
One word to people who read this, if at all I publish this. My dad lived by the motto " Postponement of gratification". He made me live by that too. Its a good one to live by. But only for yourself. Never postpone gratification for your dad or your mom or any of your loved one. You never know when you run out of time. I did.
1 comments:
As far I know, he was a very soft spoken, calm, good looking, handsome uncle with a nice beard and a exact replica ( or the other way around) of you. I had very few interactions, couple of mutual introductions in that, but somehow I feel like I know him very well. Very sad to hear that the news. Very sad to realise that the place he belongs to, lives he was part of, will not be same and the void will be there and can’t be filled.
I wish was offline that evil Friday evening, in that case, easily I would have missed that sad message, a friend of us posted. It would have got dumped under all those pictures and status messages and social share o and I would known, I wouldn’t have been affected. But life doesn’t treat you like that . I was destined to see that. I was shocked. I thought it was by mistake she has put it there or even I thought he was not doing good/keeping well. After few seconds of rapid thinking and not able to comprehend, those 3 lines were getting in to me slowly and started to shiver. When I called her and got the whole message, realised how short life was. A complete SHOCKER.
You said the same thing today da. Too short to plan to do things later in life, express something later. It’s a complete eye opener. I Wish & pray for you to have lot of strength ( physically and mentally) to overcome this difficult moment and tread ahead and as you have mentioned in the post, the coming few decades are more important to you as you have to carry on with the things which you have planned with him. Take all those unfinished things to completion. Start all those initiated ones.
Reminds me to quote the lines from House, about" Time changes everything."
Dr. Gregory House: That's what people say, it's not true. Doing things changes things. Not doing things leaves things exactly as they were.
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