This year i want to...

OK the New Year is upon us. A week into the New Year and we already have some idea as to how this year is going to turn out. For me, the new year looks like it’s going to be a lot of fun, a lot of change and as usual a lot of challenges. One thing that I have decided this year that I won’t take shit no more from anybody…and that includes you God. Yeah, you…the long beard, the halo toting version or the blue skinned, morphing version or whichever version it is. Better listen to what I have got to say and ensure that you deliver.

I got a lot of demands this year. Why is it that I should only make resolutions as to what I would do but not demand anything in return? Here are some of my requests. Most of these are already available in the world and in me and I want to get them fitted or removed for me.

Cinema bladder: I want my cinema bladder to be removed and replaced with a normal one. A cinema bladder is one in which my bladder automatically shrinks to size of the jumbo sized drink in Sathyam theatre. I am not able to have more than one. I would like to retain my old one please.

Dorsal maternal vision: This is something that I have always wanted. The vision that my mom.. Make it what all moms have. The ability to see what’s happening behind one’s back. The primary use it has always been put to use was to curtail any forms of fun or entertainment. Now that I am a parent and also head a team, I need this at the earliest. Devna needs a few more years before which I need to use this on her. I will upgrade to a newer version by that time.  I have also heard that the new peripheral ones are out but its too costly. 

Alternate auditory channels: Oh this would be so cool. It comes as a combo product with the surrogate nervous system. The way the channels works is that it automatically detects bullshit, boring crap, unending meetings, and tedious calls and routes all information received over this channel to the surrogate nervous system.

Surrogate nervous system: This nervous system is designed to act only in times of extreme duress to the user from endless meetings, petty discussion, tedious information and information overload. It processes the information at the speed of thought (well that was redundant) and determines the correct situational response from its list of pre-programmed directives like ‘hmmm’, ‘good’, little laugh, shaking heads slowly, shaking heads vigorously.

Expulsion Sac: this is currently a very much in demand product and I don’t know if I will get it soon enough. This is basically a sac that collects the aerated expulsions especially when it occurs under environmental situations which are confined (read, like an elevator) and diffuses with aromatic detoxifiers (read smelly). Last I heard, they had come out with a strawberry flavor.

External secondary lung: This product is still in testing phase. This is for all those that inhale noxious fumes … ermm…from the environment and don’t want the tar to pave a road inside their lungs. These would be external and can be disconnected and send to a cleaning agency on a weekly basis who would use the tar to lay good roads in underdeveloped areas. 

With all of this, I guess I can really say that 2014 changed me, what with about 40% of my body being recent acquisitions. I also wanted to grow something really big this year. I have tried a lots of stuff with it, took special care of it, made sure that it was always clean. Sigh but looks like i am never going to get it to grow much. See I am posting a picture of it right now. Kids, pregnant ladies, people with heart conditions please close your browser. It might scar you for life. 

Its time for me to embrace Ervamatin. 

Uhhh...What...

Wait, what did you think I was talking about.  

I was talking about my hair. Dirty buggers... a dirty and filthy new year to you all too...