21 Days - Day 4

“Hi” I prompted

“Hi” came the weak reply.

“ I heard that you were not eating last night..what happened.. you don’t like the food here? “

“ No … I am just not hungry…”

I checked her drips and read the results of the tests that had come back. They looked ok. There was no secondary complications…yet.

“ So what is it that you are reading…” I asked, desperately trying to make chitchat.

“hmmm…Sweet Valley twins..” she said taking a momentary pause from her book.

I pottered about in the room, checking the monitors, the drips, the reports…finally running out of things to check. One part of me wanted to leave and another wouldn’t just move from the place.

I checked up on her arm, as the nurse had said earlier that day there was signs of blockage. I had to determine whether we needed to change the IV line or not. I leaned over her and checked her arm and her pupils.

“ You go to church?”

I stared at her wondering what gave me away. Then realized she must have seen the crucifix on my chain.

“Not regularly but at least one Sunday a month. Otherwise my mom gets really cranky and goes about increasing the revenue of the telecom industry by melting my ears.” I said and continued with my work.

“You believe in him? I mean god?”

I looked at her, not knowing what to say.

“ I have been brought up that way. Regular church visits, Christmas fetes and festivals. Sunday bible class. So I guess I really didn’t have a choice. yeah you can say I believe in him.”

I was waiting for her next outburst. She apparently must be a non-believer in God. Having gone through all this strife in such a young age. She has had to give up on so many things that were normal for kids her age. In return she has gone through all this pain and suffering.  She must really hate that the concept of God. She must…

“Good . I too believe in god” She interrupted my thoughts.

I don’t know what my reaction was but it certainly wasn’t a good one. She asked” What happened”

“Nothing. Nothing at all” I said

“So who do you pray to and what do you pray to “ I said in a cheerful tone, trying to recover from the derailment of my train of thoughts.

“ I don’t pray to anyone nor do I have anything to pray to” she replied.

“But ..but I thought you said you believed in God.”

“ Ya I do believe in God, but that doesn’t mean I pray. What good is prayer.”

“then what…I mean how..what exactly do you mean when you say you believe in God”

“ I just like the concept that there is somebody more powerful than me who is responsible for why I am like this…don’t you?”

“uhh I guess.. but then…” I prolonged

“Just think about it.. you have no control of your life..everything that happens to you and everything that you do…you are not to blame..gives you freedom na…to do whatever you want or able to without having to get scoldings from mom…”

“errmm..I don’t think so.. we are intelligent beings, we have the choice of making the decisions that we want..we choose to do what we want to do..we have that control na..you study hard you make it to the top..you don’t study and play around you fail your exams la…so the choice and the result of what happens to you after that is with you..and not with god la.” I finished breathlessly.

I quickly finished up, tidying down my coat and stuffed my scopes into my pocket and walked towards the door.

“bye smita…don’t forget to eat today..” I said with my hands on the handle.

“ What if someone didn’t want to write the exam at all in the first place? You talked about studying and getting good result. But what if the person doesn’t want to write the exam only? Your god is only forcing the exam. He decided who has to write and who need not”

I paused for a moment. Then opened the door and left the room.

Day 5