In the past few months there has been a spate of movies about superheroes- costumed and otherwise. I had somehow managed to avoid watching most of them in the theaters. Two reasons for that. The less trivial reason or excuse i give myself and my compatriots is that i am busy and kind of impoverished for going to the movies. The more important reason is that whenever i go watch a superhero flick i get upset and disappointed that i will never ever be able to make it as a superhero.
It's not only the fact that i dont possess super-human abilities that hold me back from being a superhero but a lot of other factors too. I thought i will list down the reasons below.
1. No Avenge Motive: or NAM as it is called. I absolutely dont have an avenging motive at all. I dont have any relative who was murdered in-justifiably( although i dont know if one can be murdered justifiably ) . I wasnt raised in a POW camp or a Nazi concentration camp. Nor am i a refuge from an exploding planet many many light years away from earth.
This is a very important factor because one must have angst against evil and injustice to do something about it. (Atleast that's the way it is for the superheroes) Just imagine whether the comics or the movies would sell if Magneto was born into a middle class suburban family and was in a happy childhood.
2. No Scientific access: At no point in my life have i been exposed to body-changing gamma rays like the hulk, or cosmic rays like the fantastic four or even been bit my a mutant spider like Spidey. Once i got bit by a really sick looking bug and i waited anxiously for two days to become BUGMAN but nothing except a rash came about.
It would have been real cool if like Dr. octopus i too had a machine which blew up and gave me powers. After a couple of unsuccessful tries to enter the Kalpakkam nuclear station, i gave up. The maximum i could do was have a tea at the teashop outside the complex, hoping fervently that the tea had enough radiation in it. Even if it did have something, it was flushed down the very next day.
3. No Big Money: Sometimes even when you are not blessed with abilities, one always makes up for it with money. Like Lex luthor or even the ridiculously crappy Green hornet. But where they lacked in bulging muscles and abilities to see through ...uh armor and stuff( you were expecting something dirty there, didnt you?..naughty naughty) , they more than made it with an almost unimaginable amount of moolah.
4. No Spandex please: The primary and most important factor. I look awful in spandex. Imagining myself in tights, that too brightly colored tights is unimaginable. Do you remember going to some high-end pubs where they give you a proprietary matchbox with their name and logo and stuff like that printed on it? Some of these places also try to make it look as unique as possible. Their matchsticks are differently colored. Purple, orange, green. Do you get where i am going with this?
For the safety of the public i always think its better that i dont come out in spandex.But being a hero or a villain i would need to don my colors. I wonder why nobody fights crime and injustice in chinos and gucci shirts.
5. No Human Quotient: The most important reason why i could never ever get to be a superhero is because i dont like the basic fact that i have to be charming and "nice" to people all the time. I do generally try but most of the times, people are...lets face it , IDIOTS. I am scared that i might turn on my heat ray on a guy who cuts me in traffic, or use my superhuman strength to punch someone in the face if i feel they deserve it.
And what's with the people who get caught in dilemmas and expect a superhero to save them...Hello, if you live in an old and ancient building, its obvious its going to catch fire someday. Dont expect me to fly down and save you from a burning building. Call the firemen. And if your car stalls in the middle of the tracks, tough shit...you should have listened to your mechanic and given the vehicle for service, instead of trying to test the strength of an oncoming train.
So this is why i will never be a superhero...but there are a few good things about being one also..well that's for another post on another day.
Up up and away...
It's not only the fact that i dont possess super-human abilities that hold me back from being a superhero but a lot of other factors too. I thought i will list down the reasons below.
1. No Avenge Motive: or NAM as it is called. I absolutely dont have an avenging motive at all. I dont have any relative who was murdered in-justifiably( although i dont know if one can be murdered justifiably ) . I wasnt raised in a POW camp or a Nazi concentration camp. Nor am i a refuge from an exploding planet many many light years away from earth.
This is a very important factor because one must have angst against evil and injustice to do something about it. (Atleast that's the way it is for the superheroes) Just imagine whether the comics or the movies would sell if Magneto was born into a middle class suburban family and was in a happy childhood.
2. No Scientific access: At no point in my life have i been exposed to body-changing gamma rays like the hulk, or cosmic rays like the fantastic four or even been bit my a mutant spider like Spidey. Once i got bit by a really sick looking bug and i waited anxiously for two days to become BUGMAN but nothing except a rash came about.
It would have been real cool if like Dr. octopus i too had a machine which blew up and gave me powers. After a couple of unsuccessful tries to enter the Kalpakkam nuclear station, i gave up. The maximum i could do was have a tea at the teashop outside the complex, hoping fervently that the tea had enough radiation in it. Even if it did have something, it was flushed down the very next day.
3. No Big Money: Sometimes even when you are not blessed with abilities, one always makes up for it with money. Like Lex luthor or even the ridiculously crappy Green hornet. But where they lacked in bulging muscles and abilities to see through ...uh armor and stuff( you were expecting something dirty there, didnt you?..naughty naughty) , they more than made it with an almost unimaginable amount of moolah.
4. No Spandex please: The primary and most important factor. I look awful in spandex. Imagining myself in tights, that too brightly colored tights is unimaginable. Do you remember going to some high-end pubs where they give you a proprietary matchbox with their name and logo and stuff like that printed on it? Some of these places also try to make it look as unique as possible. Their matchsticks are differently colored. Purple, orange, green. Do you get where i am going with this?
For the safety of the public i always think its better that i dont come out in spandex.But being a hero or a villain i would need to don my colors. I wonder why nobody fights crime and injustice in chinos and gucci shirts.
5. No Human Quotient: The most important reason why i could never ever get to be a superhero is because i dont like the basic fact that i have to be charming and "nice" to people all the time. I do generally try but most of the times, people are...lets face it , IDIOTS. I am scared that i might turn on my heat ray on a guy who cuts me in traffic, or use my superhuman strength to punch someone in the face if i feel they deserve it.
And what's with the people who get caught in dilemmas and expect a superhero to save them...Hello, if you live in an old and ancient building, its obvious its going to catch fire someday. Dont expect me to fly down and save you from a burning building. Call the firemen. And if your car stalls in the middle of the tracks, tough shit...you should have listened to your mechanic and given the vehicle for service, instead of trying to test the strength of an oncoming train.
So this is why i will never be a superhero...but there are a few good things about being one also..well that's for another post on another day.
Up up and away...
2 comments:
U cud be something like Hancock then :P LOL.... (not the reformed one)
LOL Manoj...:)
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