This is not a blog about the Maestro Ilayaraja's composition of the same name. This is a story. A thought that struck me. And decided not to leave until i put it down as a story. This may be a very wrong sort of story. Some of you are going to hate me. Some of you are going to curse me. I can only tell you one thing. You are going to hate me while reading through the post. But at the end of the story you might hate me a bit more.For different reasons altogether. Hell i hate myself at the end.
The whispers grew loud in the waiting room. Even louder than the sounds and wails in the hospital. And this wasnt a normal hospital. This was a hospital for the mentally challenged, more of an institution. Ravi could hear the sounds of the whispers on top of all the screams, the cries of pain, the beeping of machines, the phones, the talking, everything. He had heard them all. None of the sounds that he heard were new. None of the whispers were even new. They were all curses and derogatory remarks against him.
"what sort of a man is he? hardhearted bastard". "is he human? doesnt he have a heart?"." I wish that he dies or better still, that i can kill him. ". "How could he do this to the child?". "Selfish, self centered bastard".
He sighed. He turned and looked at the source of the whispers. The nurses all moved away quickly. He looked to his right at the girl sitting next to him. His daughter. She was mumbling something. A rhyme. He strained to listen to the quiet words. He started to sing along with her.
"Mr. Ravi, The director would see you now. " an admin type nurse shouted out and left.
He got up and then got down to his knees before the girl. " You stay here, baby. Daddy will go and talk to Raj uncle, okay? " The girl nodded without lifting her head up or stopping her singing.
He knocked before entering the room.
"Ah. Ravi. Come in. Come in. Please sit down."
He sat down in the chair and looked blankly at the doctor. The director of the institution. The caretaker of more than 250 residential patients. All in some form of mental degeneration or challenged. His friend.
" Please Ravi. I just want you to reconsider your decision. There are other treatments that we could try. There is new studies showing that..."
"No Raj. Sorry to interrupt but my mind is made up. All those experimental stuff , all these years, all the medications. Enough. You do whatever you think is right by Ramya. Just leave me out of it. Let me know how much it is going to cost. I have set up that trust fund for her and you are the person i left the control to. "
"But she cant be without you. She needs her father. She needs you. After Divya died, you have been taking care of her for six years. How can you give up now. What should i do when she starts to cry. When she starts to ask for.."
"I dont know. Do what you would do. I know you can handle her. I am not leaving her just with anybody. I am leaving her with her uncle. Her mom's brother. Her best friend. I am human too and i cant take it anymore. I am leaving. Going to the states again."
"But you cant. You came back to India for her. You left your house, your career everything and came to India and suddenly you had enough? Come on. "
" I dont have to explain myself to you. I really thought i didn't have to. And i will not. Please take good care of her. You do know that i love her, right. But i cant anymore. " He stood to leave.
"Ravi, i thought i knew you. Thought you were strong. Thought you were a good man. But i guess i was mistaken. You are a selfish man. Just like what Divya used to say about you in the early days. That you were obsessed with your work and family is a lesser priority. But now its not even there in your list. If only Divya is still alive she would..."
"But she isn't there right? She left. Left all of us right. And i am not able to handle this anymore. i am done. I am punching the clock out. You take care of her, okay? I am leaving now. Her stuff has already been sent to your house. I have made the payments at the counter for long term stay. Bye Raj. I am not sure that i will ever see you again. "
He left the room. Saw his girl sitting on the chair. He turned and walked away out to the parking lot. He got into his car and drove away. After a while he realized that his face was wet with tears and he wasn't able to see clearly enough to drive. He pulled over and started crying out loudly. He sat there for half an hour crying his heart out. Then he stopped. It was a decision that he had taken consciously and he had no regrets on his actions.
He turned and saw his own medical reports in the backseat. He picked them up and read the words in the report. The reports of a dying man. With less than a couple of weeks at most. What he did, why he did it. He didnt know. He didnt know whether it was love or fear or hate or what he was feeling. He didnt know how to name it.
The whispers grew loud in the waiting room. Even louder than the sounds and wails in the hospital. And this wasnt a normal hospital. This was a hospital for the mentally challenged, more of an institution. Ravi could hear the sounds of the whispers on top of all the screams, the cries of pain, the beeping of machines, the phones, the talking, everything. He had heard them all. None of the sounds that he heard were new. None of the whispers were even new. They were all curses and derogatory remarks against him.
"what sort of a man is he? hardhearted bastard". "is he human? doesnt he have a heart?"." I wish that he dies or better still, that i can kill him. ". "How could he do this to the child?". "Selfish, self centered bastard".
He sighed. He turned and looked at the source of the whispers. The nurses all moved away quickly. He looked to his right at the girl sitting next to him. His daughter. She was mumbling something. A rhyme. He strained to listen to the quiet words. He started to sing along with her.
"Mr. Ravi, The director would see you now. " an admin type nurse shouted out and left.
He got up and then got down to his knees before the girl. " You stay here, baby. Daddy will go and talk to Raj uncle, okay? " The girl nodded without lifting her head up or stopping her singing.
He knocked before entering the room.
"Ah. Ravi. Come in. Come in. Please sit down."
He sat down in the chair and looked blankly at the doctor. The director of the institution. The caretaker of more than 250 residential patients. All in some form of mental degeneration or challenged. His friend.
" Please Ravi. I just want you to reconsider your decision. There are other treatments that we could try. There is new studies showing that..."
"No Raj. Sorry to interrupt but my mind is made up. All those experimental stuff , all these years, all the medications. Enough. You do whatever you think is right by Ramya. Just leave me out of it. Let me know how much it is going to cost. I have set up that trust fund for her and you are the person i left the control to. "
"But she cant be without you. She needs her father. She needs you. After Divya died, you have been taking care of her for six years. How can you give up now. What should i do when she starts to cry. When she starts to ask for.."
"I dont know. Do what you would do. I know you can handle her. I am not leaving her just with anybody. I am leaving her with her uncle. Her mom's brother. Her best friend. I am human too and i cant take it anymore. I am leaving. Going to the states again."
"But you cant. You came back to India for her. You left your house, your career everything and came to India and suddenly you had enough? Come on. "
" I dont have to explain myself to you. I really thought i didn't have to. And i will not. Please take good care of her. You do know that i love her, right. But i cant anymore. " He stood to leave.
"Ravi, i thought i knew you. Thought you were strong. Thought you were a good man. But i guess i was mistaken. You are a selfish man. Just like what Divya used to say about you in the early days. That you were obsessed with your work and family is a lesser priority. But now its not even there in your list. If only Divya is still alive she would..."
"But she isn't there right? She left. Left all of us right. And i am not able to handle this anymore. i am done. I am punching the clock out. You take care of her, okay? I am leaving now. Her stuff has already been sent to your house. I have made the payments at the counter for long term stay. Bye Raj. I am not sure that i will ever see you again. "
He left the room. Saw his girl sitting on the chair. He turned and walked away out to the parking lot. He got into his car and drove away. After a while he realized that his face was wet with tears and he wasn't able to see clearly enough to drive. He pulled over and started crying out loudly. He sat there for half an hour crying his heart out. Then he stopped. It was a decision that he had taken consciously and he had no regrets on his actions.
He turned and saw his own medical reports in the backseat. He picked them up and read the words in the report. The reports of a dying man. With less than a couple of weeks at most. What he did, why he did it. He didnt know. He didnt know whether it was love or fear or hate or what he was feeling. He didnt know how to name it.
1 comments:
Maybe I left a comment already, that you didn't find the time to publish... But when I see such a wonderful post bereft of comment, leaving a comment. For 100th time I wish you take your writing seriously. You are sitting on a golden goose but not realising it. I hope and pray one day you will realise and that day should come fast.
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