A note to myself

I wake up everyday asking myself one simple question to myself. This last week i have been asking the same question more times than i do normally. Do I really believe that one fine day i am going to live in a world that was not given to me but rather the one that i would create for myself? A world that i create, carve out, etch out, inch by inch from my dreams, my passion and my desires. Living every second of my present by thinking what my world in the future is going to be. What i want my world in the future to be. Looking around and looking at my past, i see a lot of ‘should haves’ . I should have studied harder, should have practiced more, should have worked more, should have done this , should have done that. So many should haves. Perhaps my present is one should have i am not letting go of now. I am living my present the way iam living hoping that it doesnt become another ‘should have’. 

It’s a battle. One that we fight not only on the outside but on the inside. The fear of failure. The fear of strife. The fear of struggle. All throughout man’s evolution, everything has evolved purely based on the basic need to lead a easier life. Our basic DNA itself is structured on the fact that we want things to be easier. Fire, weapons, clothing, technology...all of it from the need for things to be easier. So battling the most primal urge in ourselves;to make things easy is not a very easy choice nor an easy action. We are programmed to take the easier option out in life. Overcoming that to fight for what is needed rather than what is easily possible is the biggest internal fight. Then comes the external fight. Fighting the naysayers, the dream breakers, the family members who go tut-tutting your ideas, your passion. Sure, they are looking out for you. They want you to live the life in the world that they imagine for you.  They think they know whats best for you and they may be right or wrong. But the only proven fact is that they are being selfish.  

Doing what is easy is very easy. Stand in the sidelines and peer from the crowd at the one guy who is standing in the middle doing the things that you wish you had done. Or you get in the middle of the ring. If you keep looking at yourself as a victim of fate, judging yourself by what you are currently going through, the situation that you are currently in, then you are wrong. Because winners win and losers lose. But only people who try can win. People who dont try have already lost. 

Take any major goal that you have. Or one that you are already working on. You have experienced a lot of  setbacks, major disappointments, many failures. Maybe you have already given up. Maybe you have already decided that you are a failure. Maybe all you need is a little push, a word of encouragement. There are winners and there are losers. And there are people who are yet to discover what it is to win. Going after your dream is not important, it is necessary. I want you to hold on. If you quit, its not going to happen.  It may not happen at the time you think its going to happen.  If you quit, if you stop, if you do not continue , you would not make it happen. When i started i kept a target. It didnt happen then. I changed my deadline. It didnt happen then also. It may not happen now, 6 months from now, a year from now, ten years from now. But i know it will be a reality. Because i am working at it. I know that this thing is going to work. I have been reborn twice in my life already. I will die how many more times it takes for me to make my dream possible. Because each time i will have evolved. I will rise again. I will make what my dream is a reality because i have seen it. I have lived it. Now its all upto me to make it happen. 

Dissolute Resolutions

Ah...it's that time of the year. Not me writing a blog(although a lot of my friends say that it is turning to be an annual event). The time of the year, when we all sit down and decide unanimously the overdone, boring, please-save-me-from-this-crap thought that our new year resolution is not to make any new year resolutions. Seriously, dude. It was the "in" thing to say twenty years back. If anybody comes up to me this year and says that they took a resolution not to make any resolutions, I swear, I will scream and start shooting someone.

Do you honestly think that you are so perfect that you don't need to change? Or are you so incapable of fixing up some rules for yourself instead of saying that anyhow, you aren't going to stick to them? Or are you so much of a defeatist that you give up even before you start? Whichever excuse suits you from the above, there is just one word for you...lazy bugger. Ok, that's two words.

I sat down to think about resolutions and see what I can improve. Pretty soon, it changed tracks from thinking of what I can improve to which and all would I have a chance/time to improve this year. The list grew so big that at one point, it looked like I needed to knock off two resolutions in a day to finish the whole bunch in 365 days.

As I still continue to ponder upon my resolutions, it dawned upon me. Resolutions. Re-solutions. So it was predetermined that these are solutions that you will have to re...solute( if that's even a word ) and one that you will continue to resoluting(this time I know its definitely not a word. The red squiggly line just popped up).

As I further continue to think about my resolutions, it also dawned upon me that I am almost at the end of the typical blog post size and I haven't yet decided what I am going to do. The fact that I need to change things around me, in the nearby vicinity was obvious. But constant reminders from friends and family(God bless their perseverance) it was clear that I needed to change too. So here it goes.

1) Gain weight. ( this has been there on my list from 2000 and there has been a consistent change in my weight. I am now .5 kg more than last year. Progress, no doubt, but would like to speed it up a bit)

2) Read more (my favorite)

3) Travel more (wife and friends' favorite)

4)  Get some fitness regime(apparently walking down to the food court and car parking doesn't count)

5) Be more empathetic(I seriously don't know where this one comes from. As far as I know I am too empathetic. Its just that other's stuff is so boring. No thrill or adventure in that)

6) Be more serious. (this one is mine. I think a lot of people think I am a featherweight because I laugh a lot, make jokes, have fun, enjoy good company...on second thoughts, I think they have to change and not me)

7) Be more caustic ( this one is also mine. I need to cut some baggage. I need to stop caring for the damn idiots who don't give a rat's ass about me. Too many people around me who do and I shouldn't dilute my time by spending it on those who don't)

8) Earn more(another frequent item on everybody's list although it doesn't appear publicly on many lists. Earn loads and loads of money. Should not be in a position wherein I need to calculate my retirement plans, my property holdings worth etc to purchase something that I like at that moment.

9) No more postponement of gratification.PERIOD

10) Write more...(hee hee...just kidding ppl. you know I love you )

Why do they call it the corporate jungle

I have been working for quite some time now. Half of it in extremely structured companies, half of it in extremely unstructured companies. But wherever I had gone, there was always this terminology that was being used. Corporate Jungle. I used to think that I know why this was named like this.

     I thought it was because everyone was a predator and it was eat or get eaten mode. Everybody looks out for themselves, then their team, then their project, then their department, then their company in that order. There are the predators, there are the prey and then there are the prey. Yeah, any office fits this profile but this ain't the reason why it is termed so.

      Then I thought maybe it is not because of what habitats a jungle but rather the jungle itself. A jungle is raw, exposed, rudimentary and evolving. Go on a jungle safari and you will realize the similarities. Just like a jungle, where you eat pretty close by to where you relieve yourself, you have to do the same thing in a corporate setup. You have to fight battles, gain inches, lose feet, still keep a smiling face and get back to the grind to get the best thing done for the company and your career. The old idiom," Don't defecate where you eat" doesn't hold good. Maybe this was the reason why they termed it a corporate jungle. 

       But then after a while, this too became too generic a reason to term such bustling citadels of business as a jungle. There should be something more. That's when I came to the final realization as to why this was termed like this. Imagine a jungle. Something that you had visited in your younger days. Imagine the green lush cover. Imagine the sounds of the birds screeching. Try and recall the smells of the trees mixed with the slush beneath your feet. Remember how the silence and the sudden interruption with an innocuous sound made you jump out of your skin. 

     Now revisit that place.

     The greenery is gone or reduced. The borders of the jungle are shrinking. Civilization has crept in slowly, at first with an innocent shop at the outskirts slowly mushrooming into a settlement. The sounds are gone, replaced by the human noises and the noises that they bring along with them. The jungle is destroyed. The Jungle is non-existent. The same will happen to a corporate. 

If companies don't wake up to the threats that are around them, both internally and externally. Soon they will be engulfed by a powerful agent, slowly but surely. The Jungle will cease to exist. The animals in it, predators, prey and scavengers all will cease to exist. 

Happy independence day

Ok...Now that we have wished everybody that we know a "happy independence day", watched ten variations of the national anthem, watched two patriotic movies atleast on TV, watched a great exercise in robotic programming at a cardinal colored battlement in the nation's capitol, reposted 5 different photos of the true patriotic person's photos, read 30 tweets about why politicians suck , I think its time we put an end to this.

Can we please get on with the action plan set in place about 66 years back??? India is still a developing nation...(reminds me of some software projects which never see the light of the day). I may not be a great fan of Gandhi, but i do like what he says about change..I have lived that way. Trying to be the change that i want to see..God knows, i have suffered enough for that. I know many people who have tried to take on the babus, the "firangis", the netas, the dadas, the maamas. I know of how they have suffered, how they have overcome and how they have failed and how they have given up.

We may call ourselves realistic when we say this country will never improve. We may be termed as cynics by those who believe change is possible. At the end of the day, only one question remains. What are we going to do about it? Give up??? Give in???

Lets stop being a realist, a cynic, an optimist, a pessimist, a nationalist and any other -ists that are out there. We dont have to be anything. We dont need to be anything. We just can get away with being one thing. A perfectionist. Being the best at what we do or striving to get there. I dont know how many of you like Kamal. I have always had confused thoughts about him. Sometimes he amazes me and sometimes makes my blood boil. Having interacted with him about 4 times in person, i still stand in the same tough situation, not able to decide whether he is a " nallavara kettavara" . But one thing that I like is the anecdote he tells about his mom. His mom apparently gave him this advice. Even if you become a scavenger, i dont mind. I should hear that the toilets that my son cleans are the cleanest toilets that anybody has seen.

Jaago India...

Will this end?

I delay my sleep at night
because I don't want any dreams
stay awake all night
stifling my screams

I don't want to wake up early
hoping for you to shake me
lay writhing around on the bed
Waiting for you instead

Every turn I make
every breath I take
thoughts of you come in a flash
pain rips through me in a gash

I know I have to move on
but have to remember first
for I hold no memory
of you being gone

..miss you dad

How to make Monday more interesting

I write this on a weekend. It goes about to show as to how much the impending  Monday morning blues have affected me over my long( it isn't really, just a decade long, but it feels that way) career. So with my experience of working in multiple organizations and in running multiple organizations, I decided it's time to share some of the things I do, to make Monday seem interesting.

Step 1: Start early

The best thing to do when facing hell is to face it earlier. I always tend to make it to office a bit earlier on Mondays than any other days. This prepares you for the shit that happens the rest of the day. It wont make it any easier and sometimes you will feel like you preempted your own suffering but its better to get it over with. It also gives you enough time to prepare to make someone else's Monday worse than yours. Revenge is best not served cold or hot but in magnitude and multitude. So lets go out and spread the love and the hate. Think of innovative and intricate ways to increase the fan base for Monday haters. I do this too.

Step 2: Start earlier

I start even earlier. I start work on a Sunday. That way, it doesn't look like any different from the normal routine of a weekday. Also, It is much more peaceful and quite on a Sunday and you can get some work done without any distractions, delays or deliberations with your colleagues. And you can sit back on a Sunday, no stuffy clothes.. i mean formal clothes, you still have to wear something to office.

Step 3: Create a crisis

There is nothing more fun and more productive than a crisis. Trust me. You can check it out yourself. Look at the various times you have seen your office security guards moving about idly, chatting around and basically looking like they have a jolly life. It may or may not be true but the perception is what i am talking about here. Now look at the same guards when there is a crisis, say a fire, or a blown fuse or even something as mundane as changing the light bulb in the parking area overhead light. They are a buzz of energy and activity. Transform this to every department inside your office. Just think of how a crisis can make people more active and more efficient and just more fun to hang out with. So do something. Start a fire, no no not literally, we wouldn't want to get arrested for Arson would we? Create micro crisis on a Monday and just enjoy the pandemonium that unfolds.

Step 4: Create gossip

Before you naysayers start belittling me for suggesting something like this...hold on. Whatever said and done, rumors are going to be there around the office. Even God got to know about Eve and the apple through the grapevine..or some other equally reliable sources. People are always creating something new. We are basically very creative people and we need to release our creative juices or otherwise we implode. So for those people who are not in a creative industry, say like the news media or the PM's office, you need to start telling creative tales a.k.a gossip to relieve yourself. And its good fun. Trust me. Wouldn't it be great to hear about how Mani watchman was seen with Gokila madam from Accounting in Sardar theatre on Saturday night? although Mani may be a seventy year old man with partial hearing and fully blind and Gokila madam was in Cherrapunji eating kanji.

Step 5: Dont do any productive work

This may or may not be different from what you normally do on the other days. If normally you manage to give like 3 or 4 hours of productivity, do one thing or rather dont do any thing. Stop working on Monday. Dont do any work on monday. Go through the motions. What is the point in doing work on Monday and getting screwed over however good or bad the work is. Stop it. Stop working.

Step 6: Dont go to office.

This isnt anything new to offer, because all of us have done this at some point or the other. Monday is the day when our grandmom,(may god rest her soul) died for the 4th time that year, when your bike had an accident and it would take the entire day of Monday to rectify it, when you fell down in your bathroom and wouldnt be able to come to office as it is too serious for working on monday but should be alright to coming in on a tuesday, when you suffer from very high fever, a result of rubbing onion on your forehead and dipping the thermometer in tea. So work on your creativity and come up with the best excuses this side of the globe. Just imagine, you have decided not to work but your manager may be working. It is your duty to make his day better. Give him a good reason to laugh. Make it as wacky as possible.

Step 7: Stop reading this.

Thats it. The post is done. Stop reading it....no more ideas here. Please feel free to add any suggestions as comments. I am planning to publish this as a book if I get enough ideas. Facebook also promised me one cent if anybody shares this on their wall. I shall give you a mention in my speech to the bank manager on the people that i fooled to make my fortune. Good day folks. 

It's friday friday friday...

No no no...i am not singing Rebecca black's Friday song..If at all there is anything i would do, i would be like  Snoop dogg in this video.

No no...I am just ecstatic that its friday today. Not that I have anything major happening over the weekend. But its a relief. A relief from the spate of calls, from the flood of bills, from the barrage of mails. Phew. November is absolutely the worst month of the year. Period. Seriously. Which other month do you know starts with a damn negative? I would be glad once this month ends. The weekend brings about some respite, some breathing space.

And what better way to do that than by kicking some serious AI butt in some serious gaming time. I have RE 6 and Sleeping dogs lined up for that. But to get to that mood, to push me over the edge I need some motivation. And that's when I revisited Rebecca black, followed by Psy.

They might have taken the world by storm but trust me, I am so thankful that I dont have the patience nor the mental capacity to accept them, leave alone on my playlist. So it gets real funny and really motivating to see other like-minded (or mentally deficient people as their fans would call us) post up videos like the one above and especially the one below.

Have a great weekend folks...and to all my (non-existent) fans in the western world, a very happy Thanksgiving.

and to all those who want to celebrate this wonderfully insensitive and meaningless holiday, here you go ...

and some more advice on how to carve your turkey up...this is one method i really like..

To top it all, we have the shopping to look forward to...

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U still here...???
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U r persistent arent u???
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shoo...leave...vamoose...that's it..the post is done...happy weekend to all

Anna Hazare and the Olympics

Although the title of this post somewhat reads like a spin-off on the Asterix title, the reasoning behind this choice of words is very simple. These are two most "trended" topics in searches,tweets,posts,article,tea-shop discussions in India right now. So being the selfish, greedy pig that some people think I am, I thought of using these to make my post come up somewhere in the first 50 pages of search results. With that established, lets now get down to business.

Anna Hazare is a man not to be thought of trivially, although years down the line, I hope that his place in Indian history would not be limited to being the 6th or 7th question of Kaun Banega Crorepathi- Season 32 hosted by Aaraadhya bachan. He is a man who believes in something and for that I hold him in respect. Not for what he holds in belief but the fact that he still believes. Lok Pal has become the proverbial pain in the ass,not that I know of any proverb or parable which talks about one's rear in so much detail. Lok Pal is something that no government, be it the present or the future ones, will ever accept to. But the fact that he still believes it will be passed if he fasts unto death is indeed worthy of praise.

The day Anna starts from being just a fad for the yuppie group and actually get into doing something towards that goal is the day that we will see the real face of the Indian public. Already the crowds have started thinning down at his now-numerous fasts. Today the announcement that they are considering entering politics is being equally met with cynicism by the public and the politicians alike. But atleast that's a step forward into actually doing something with dwindling-nevertheless but huge fan support that they have got. Hopefully they will emerge as a party and stand in elections and get elected. By the end of their first term there would be two cases of corruption brought against them and at the end of the term, the people will once again look to seeing who is paying maximum price for their votes. Thus begins the great Indian political party's origin and demise.

For the sake of argument, take any political party. Any one. From any part of the country. It's origin has always been founded on the base of fighting for justice. They all start out the same way and pretty much they all end up the same way. But for the sake of the same argument, take any dictatorship. They also start out the same way, fighting for justice and they also end up in the same way, with the dictator being abdicated, run out of the country or in some more fun loving countries being hanged or shot dead in public. I would like the second way. At least that way the people of the country get a singular point or entity to hate or love. Unlike now. Ask any person now, who is responsible for their miserable condition and whom they hate. They give a collective answer or a collective as an answer. Politicians. Police. Bureaucracy. They are simply in the dark as to which person in any of these collective groups is responsible for the crap that they put up in their everyday life. No current? The damn electricity board. No running water? Damn the metrowater board. No education? Damn the education system. Not enough Porn in films and TV? damn the censor board.(or something like that).

We, as citizens have lost our individual hatred and have made it a diluted thing by hating large bodies ..errmm..excuse me..large groups. Wouldnt it be much simpler to hate just a person? one person who is responsible for all of this? I say, its time for a revolution and its time we had a dictator. With the number of foreign imports coming to our country from Sunny leone to Sonia gandhi, can't we import one while we are at it.

Coming to the second part of my title, the Olympics. It may happen once in four years. It doesnt mean that we should focus on it only once in four years. To all those people who go about pissing off in Facebook "with a population of billions, cant we produce 10 gold medal winning atheletes?", just remember. Human reproduction has never been a game in the Olympics and even if it was, we wouldnt be winning it. According to UN census reports, Uganda is growing at a rate of 206%. Even Ethiopia is faster than us in that issue. Phew. So that medal is also out of our grasps. To all those oldies who on their morning walks and evening tea discussion who say "Today's youth have no focus, no desire, no ambition...In our times...". More than half of the medals that are there in our total tally is from the youths that you so easily dispense with. You do away with our playgrounds, put us into coaching centres, make us stand in front of consulates for visa interviews, put a cricket bat into our hands when we want to play any other sport and then you come and tell us that we are bad???(Please note the point that I am including myself in the side of the youth...as it should be). NOT FAIR. NOT FAIR.

As a finisher, a thought about both parts of the title. I heard that the oldest olympian this year is from Japan. I think we can ask Anna Hazare to participate also. Isnt he the "Fast"est indian ever??? What do you say

No Smoking

The following story might be a bit hard to follow for pure English readers as i have typed out dialogues that happened in Tamil. This is not completely a true story, although some of the events in it have been witnessed by me. By the way, i am using the first person here purely as an author's right and i am not the person involved in this story in any way at all.(Sathiyama pa...nambunga)


I came to a grinding stop in front of the tea shop and kicked out my bike's side stand with as much hatred and force as I could. I fumbled with my laptop bag and it took me a couple of minutes before I could untangle myself from the heap that my bike was and step into the shop.

I asked for a pack of Wills NavyCut and a tea and settled into the rickety benches that lined the inside of the small shop. I lit one and started puffing away and it wasnt before the end of the first smoke that I started to notice the shop and the busy clientele that was frequenting it.

I saw a boy of perhaps 14-15 years old entering the shop. He went up to the master sitting at the cash counter and held out change to him. " Oru Wills kudunga." he said nonchalantly and turned away.

"Cigarrette ellam illa.." , the master replied and proceeded to shout instructions to the guy at the tea stove.

"Illiya??? hmmm...seri" the boy walked away as quickly as he had come in.

I was amused at this spectacle because I know for sure that there was enough packets in the shop to export.
I couldn't even start thinking as to the reason why the master was behaving this way before another kid entered the shop.

This kid was almost similar to the earlier one. Same 14-15 years old. Same physique or lack of. He also walked right up to the cash counter holding a fifty rupee note in his hand.

"Oru packet Wills kudunga anna" he asked.

The master quietly picked up a pack of Wills and handed it over to the boy. He noisily searched and got the change back for the fifty rupee note and handed it over to the boy. The boy pocketed it silently and moved out of the shop.

"Enna master, packeta vaangina varumanam jaasthiyo??? Mothala vantha paiyan kaetta cigarette maayama eppadi intha paiyan ketkum pothu vandhuchu? Neengalum wholesale vyabari ayiteenga pola?"

The master turned to face me and with a smile said " Athu illa sir...mothala vanthavan chinna paiyan..intha vayasula dum adikkalama..athan avan kaettathum illantu solliten...namakku antha mathiri kaasu sambathikka vendam sir.."

This got interesting. "Appo rendavatha vantha paiyan dum adichu kettu pona paravaliya? oru dum adichavan evalavu kettu povano atha vida oru packet adichavan kettu porathu jaasthi la master."

"Sir, oru dum vaanga vantha antha paiyan avanukkaaga vaangran. avalavu than avan kaila irukra kaasu. Oru packet vanga vandha paiyan, avanukkaga packet vaanga maatan sir. Avanga appa vo, illa maama vo , illa chittapan periappan, evanaavathu kaasu kuduthu vaangittu vara solli iruppan. Athanala than avanukku vithen.."

"hmmm correct than...nalla than purinju vechurikeenga customers uh"

I got up and paid up for my tea and my smokes and was about to leave when something struck my mind.

" enna pathi enna purinju vechurukeenga master"

He smiled.

"Summa sollunga" , I prodded.

"Sir, neenga etho bayangra tension la irukeenga. Neenga styleukkaga dum adikkala...athu ungalukku oru amaithi tharuthu. athukaaga pidikreenga. "

"eppadi solreenga"

"vanthathum packeta kaila vaanginathum neenga mothal atha piricha avasaram. atha patha vechu atha izhuthu rasichu peru moochu vittathu.antha modhal cigarette mudiyum bothu ungalukkulla iruntha amaithi. ithu ellam than sir. appram oru vishayam."

"ennathu"

"Romba mukkiyamana clue enna na..neenga ulla vantha appovae 500 roova note kudutheenga cigarette kum tea kum...balance vaangara alavukku kooda porumai illa..mothala cigaretteum tea theva pattuchu.. athulernthey theriyala neenga nalla tension la irukeenga nu." he said smiling, handing back my five hundred rupee note.

I grinned and took the note back from him.

Namma Chennai..ethavathu panra vennai

I wanted to shop once and went to T nagar

Couldn’t get a place to park my car

The area was so noisy and crowded

Pickpockets and perverts would have loved it

I wanted to spruce my car up and went to Pudupet

Managed to find a parking spot and parked it

Bought everything from tyres to car horn

By the time I got back, alas my car was gone

I wanted to get religious and went to Mylapore

More people on the roads than sand on the shore

Realized that it wasn’t just a temple

A gossip hub, lovers spot, business place – cheap and simple

I wanted to get some breeze and went to Elliots beach

But alas the stench got to me even before I could reach

I walked the pebbled pathway by the roadside

And watched in disgust at the debris washed away in the tide

All the places in chennai seem to be gone for a toss

And all the people seem not bothered by this humongous loss

What we enjoyed for so many decades is slowly going and gone

Aah what do we care, but ponder as to which road to spit upon

Why i will never be a superhero

In the past few months there has been a spate of movies about superheroes- costumed and otherwise. I had somehow managed to avoid watching most of them in the theaters. Two reasons for that. The less trivial reason or excuse i give myself and my compatriots is that i am busy and kind of impoverished for going to the movies. The more important reason is that whenever i go watch a superhero flick i get upset and disappointed that i will never ever be able to make it as a superhero.

It's not only the fact that i dont possess super-human abilities that hold me back from being a superhero but a lot of other factors too. I thought i will list down the reasons below.

1. No Avenge Motive: or NAM as it is called. I absolutely dont have an avenging motive at all. I dont have any relative who was murdered in-justifiably( although i dont know if one can be murdered justifiably ) . I wasnt raised in a POW camp or a Nazi concentration camp. Nor am i a refuge from an exploding planet many many light years away from earth.

This is a very important factor because one must have angst against evil and injustice to do something about it. (Atleast that's the way it is for the superheroes) Just imagine whether the comics or the movies would sell if Magneto was born into a middle class suburban family and was in a happy childhood.

2. No Scientific access: At no point in my life have i been exposed to body-changing gamma rays like the hulk, or cosmic rays like the fantastic four or even been bit my a mutant spider like Spidey. Once i got bit by a really sick looking bug and i waited anxiously for two days to become BUGMAN but nothing except a rash came about.

It would have been real cool if like Dr. octopus i too had a machine which blew up and gave me powers. After a couple of unsuccessful tries to enter the Kalpakkam nuclear station, i gave up. The maximum i could do was have a tea at the teashop outside the complex, hoping fervently that the tea had enough radiation in it. Even if it did have something, it was flushed down the very next day.

3. No Big Money: Sometimes even when you are not blessed with abilities, one always makes up for it with money. Like Lex luthor or even the ridiculously crappy Green hornet. But where they lacked in bulging muscles and abilities to see through ...uh armor and stuff( you were expecting something dirty there, didnt you?..naughty naughty) , they more than made it with an almost unimaginable amount of moolah.

4. No Spandex please: The primary and most important factor. I look awful in spandex. Imagining myself in tights, that too brightly colored tights is unimaginable. Do you remember going to some high-end pubs where they give you a proprietary matchbox with their name and logo and stuff like that printed on it? Some of these places also try to make it look as unique as possible. Their matchsticks are differently colored. Purple, orange, green. Do you get where i am going with this?

For the safety of the public i always think its better that i dont come out in spandex.But being a hero or a villain i would need to don my colors. I wonder why nobody fights crime and injustice in chinos and gucci shirts.

5. No Human Quotient: The most important reason why i could never ever get to be a superhero is because i dont like the basic fact that i have to be charming and "nice" to people all the time. I do generally try but most of the times, people are...lets face it , IDIOTS. I am scared that i might turn on my heat ray on a guy who cuts me in traffic, or use my superhuman strength to punch someone in the face if i feel they deserve it.

And what's with the people who get caught in dilemmas and expect a superhero to save them...Hello, if you live in an old and ancient building, its obvious its going to catch fire someday. Dont expect me to fly down and save you from a burning building. Call the firemen. And if your car stalls in the middle of the tracks, tough shit...you should have listened to your mechanic and given the vehicle for service, instead of trying to test the strength of an oncoming train.

So this is why i will never be a superhero...but there are a few good things about being one also..well that's for another post on another day.

Up up and away...

Quitting your job

3 years and 2 months. or 38 months. or somewhere around 1150 days..or about...ok..let's stop at that. My stint at my company(ex-company) has come to an end. There are thousands of people who really bitch about their job and company. But I am sure most of them, when they leave the organization always reminiscence about it. Well. I am part of the majority and fall under both the categories.

When I used to work there, it was invariably a continuous barrage of the issues that we faced there. It was a typical human reaction to shout out as to how badly treated we were. I call it "The crying baby syndrome". A child will cry only when he or she sees that there is somebody close by who can appreciate the high decibel value around. Similarly an employee. He or she will crib about how bad it is to certain types of people.

1) People who are in the same situation like them

2) People who are in a better situation than them

3) People who are in no comparable situation at all

This happens primarily for the following reasons.

1) to get sympathy

2) to assess who has got it worse than you

3) to make someone glad or happy that they arent you

4) to make someone jealous

The sympathy reason is very short-lived. There is a limitation on the duration that a friend or colleague or relative or a partially deaf grandmom will listen to you rambling about your work.

The assessment reason is also short-lived. Once they find out that they are worse than you, they will either move into the sympathy mode or just hate the very sight of you. Either you will get tired of them cribbing back to you or they will disappear faster than a paycheck.

Making others happy wasnt the reason why we were put on this earth so the happiness reason also is short-lived or rather non-existent.

To make someone jealous with the state of your issues at office either requires two things. One, your version of having things bad is like A.Raja having to count oodles of money. It just isnt bad. You think its bad. The other thing is you must be talking to a really sick masochistic person whose version of fun is to have toothpicks prick him under the nails.

So it all comes down to this. CRIBBING IS SHORT LIVED.

Let me get back to my life here. I have absolutely nothing to crib about my job. Aspire was a really fun place to work at and great people to work with. I would say the best three years of my life had just ended. Dont ask me why. Lets just leave it at that. I miss the people, the bonding that existed not merely as fellow workers but friends beyond work. I miss the activities that happen there. Being a part of the team that comes out with ideas for the same, it was indeed a pleasurable burden. I miss the break sessions in the evening, which sometimes become distributed sessions eating up all our time. I miss driving out in the night to catch a quick bite to eat at a local dhabba or restaurant and returning in time for a client call.

Now that i am almost thi...uh ... twenty six, i think i have earned the right to give advice to people who are at work. Complain all you want about your job. But do that to the people who can make a change about it. If change comes, it comes. But cherish all the moments that you have when you are inside the office. Trust me, those are never coming back. You would move on to a better office, bigger place and most importantly a bigger paycheck but that instance, just right there wouldnt be coming back at all. And when you come out at the end, you might not have left with a lot of memories, a lot of friends, a lot of enemies too. But whatever little you get is going to be very unique for the rest of your life.

Love you guys at Aspire...and also love you Aspire.

A century and a half

A big apology to all my regular readers (i am sure i can count them with one hand). Those who have been following my latest short story ENFORCE have to give a slight break. One of you brought to my notice that i had touched a magic number (its magic for me at least) in the number of posts i have written so far. I had touched 150 posts without realizing it. YIPPEEE !!!

I went back to my archive to see where this started...March 14th 2008. I had always been a writer, dabbling in writing poems and short stories, entertaining a very select audience(namely ME). I started this blog after i joined Aspire systems, through my campus placement. As i have stated in my first posts, there was never a reason for me to start this blog.My first post is here to rekindle memory(mostly mine). 

I have come a long way..150 posts in 3 years...averages to about 50 posts per year...further spreads to about 4.something posts per month....further spreads to 1 post per week..further spreads to..lets leave it at that. I would like to thank all the people who have been behind me, egging me on to write more, shouting at me sometimes, criticizing my writing style etc etc over the years. If not for you, perhaps this world would have been free of such diatribes and ramblings like mine. So if at all in the future i am being sued i would like to ensure that these following people are added as co-accused. 

Topping the list would be Viji. She has been a very strong and vocal supporter of my writing, and has been always pushing me on to write more. I seriously think this was because of the fact that she was dropped on her head when she was a kid, and has been a victim of bad taste from then onwards.

After that its just a myriad of names of people who have been somehow actively(read as during office hours when they dont have anything better to do) reading my blog. The list would be 

Lizzy bennet

Kiran

Harsha

Kavitha

Krishna

Priya

Namitha

Raji

etc etc etc... I have left out a lot of people in this list here...but come on, you know that i am  just another lazy bum. My most vocal supporters include Hari, varun, anamika, ram, my sis priya, priya neelam,my dad ...so on and so forth.

Now comes the interesting part. I am planning a series of changes. Not only to my blog, but in my life also. Things are moving around and if all things work out as i have planned it, i would be spending much more time on my blog. I would also like to announce that i have been given a publishing offer from one leading book publisher for a collection of my short stories. Which once again leads me to believe that a lot of people were dropped on their heads when they were babies. ( this is going to be my upcoming post too ). 

At the end of the day i am just so happy that i have been able to vent my angst, share my laughter, provide a place where you can laugh(mostly at me), where you can think for a minute(60 seconds of your time to think about my post is more than enough success for me) through my blog. Keep reading and i hope that i keep seeing you people in the comments page. 

I have always enjoyed S.V Sekhar and his comedy and i would love to wind this sort-of note of thanks with an old, funny and favorite one. 

"Maama, Sachin nooru adichutu adikittu irukaaru" ( Sachin has hit 100 and still playing/dancing. The tamil word for playing and dancing is the same)

"Ithu enna periya vishayam..inga oruthan 500 adichitu aadama nikkuraru"( what's great about that. here one guy has hit 500 and still not dancing. 500 here refers to 500 ml of alcohol)

Naan ippo 150 adichitu aadrana illa aadama irukena nu theriala...thanks guys....

We are the champions

I have been meaning to write this article for quite some time but was afraid to do so. I didn’t want to jinx the happenings. Now that the sensational Saturday is over and we are the reigning champions of all formats of the game, I feel much more at ease getting this out.

For the past couple of months, an entire nation was glued to their TVs, mobiles and computer screens trying to get an update on what was happening on the cricket ground. Tea benches became discussion hot spots. Coffee breaks at offices across the country were the places where each player’s and team’s stats were discussed in detail. An entire nation had only one thing on its mind. CRICKET.

I had always been a dabbler of sorts in sports. I can possibly say that at one time or the other I would have played all the sports that was there to play.( I mean conventional sports…don’t talk to me about show-jumping or trap-shooting here) . But cricket was always a sport close to my heart, especially since I thought I was a bit good in it. There was a time when I used to wake up early and head to the nets to practice, although much of the time was spent bowling to senior players and batsmen who had established themselves. It was after a long stint at bowling and rolling up the mat pre and post practice sessions that I think my coach permitted me to pad up and hit the nets.

I can never forget the day when I played in the zonals. Facing up to the terrible speed of lanky, scary fast bowlers who seemed to have injected steroids only into their arms was a terrifying thing for a teenage kid. The euphoria I felt when I glanced a wayward ball on the leg-side to the boundary and another when I played a late cut to the boundary behind was unimaginable. For the first time, I was being applauded by more than equals from the stands. I may have achieved other laurels in other fields but that 7 second applause from the team sitting in the batting pavilion was something I had never experienced before.

Those were the good old days. I later slipped out of cricket and moved on to plenty other things being the butterfly that I was. Cricket went from being a passion to being a past-time to being a once in a while thing to being playing when there was a shortage of players at the ground where I used to hang out. Years went by and I was just another of the million fans who watched TV and got in to the frenzy only when the Indian team was playing. Even then, if there was a flurry of wickets falling down, I used to switch channels and see what else was playing on the idiot box.

My sister on the other hand was a cricket fan. No no no…let me rephrase it. She was a Sachin fan. She watched only when sachin played. She adored, admired and had a borderline obsession about him. And being a brother and doing what brothers generally do, I used to tease her as much as possible using sachin.

Not that I didn’t like Sachin. I admired him, loved his strokeplay, his humility and just about everything about him. But when you see that the maximum you can needle your younger sis is to talk bad about her idol, I am sure that all brothers wouldn’t take the high road. I didn’t either. There were numerous occasions when I used to tease her, taunt her, pass not-so-nice comments about Sachin, just to get the raise out of her.  This has been happening over the years and doesn’t look like it will stop any time soon.

Come the world cup of 2011. From the beginning , India has managed to somehow remain in the favorites in the game, even though they had a couple of bad games and narrow misses. It all boiled down to the final stages of the game. I never realized the cricket fan inside me was dormant for so long. And the time for the dormancy had come to an end. And it came to an end in grand fashion. The need to be updated on the game, to see what is happening (despite the firewalls at office, low connectivity issues on my mobile etc) was paramount.

I was surrounded by equally charged up colleagues at office. It was the bitter end of the month and we had absolutely no liquid cash(no solid cash either…) to be able to go to a pub or elsewhere to watch the game. We scrounged around, got a few bucks together and hit the unlikeliest of places. MARRYBROWN near office.  Our total order amount was around 800 bucks but we spent close to 4 hours in that place. The orders were placed at timed intervals (we also had big egos along with our small purses) so that the staff there didn’t think of us as free-loaders.

The semi-final saw me as being the only person in office. All my colleagues had taken off and were watching the match from the comfort of home. I was in the meantime trying my level best to break through whatever firewalls my system admin had put up but was coming up short on technical skills. My mobile was my companion throughout the long day and finally after a while couldn’t hold back and left for home. My trip was not in vain, as our boys won their rivals and moved into the ultimate showdown.

Everybody has written a lot about the final, discussing from the stats of each player to the combinations, to the starting line-up to the bowling lineup, to the batting strategy etc etc. Suddenly everyone was an expert. And I was a confused fan. I didn’t know what to believe, who was stronger, who would survive, who would outwit the other. At the end of it all, I just wanted one thing. INDIA MUST WIN.

The game proceeded and looked to be in our favor for most of the time, barring the last overs where our bowlers were literally run whores. Still the total looked gettable. We had the butcher and the master blaster on our side, didn’t we? All such illusions of supremacy was destroyed when Sehwag got out. The entire arena came to a standstill and deathly silence(except from the scattered Srilankan supporters) prevailed when God got out. The going looked tough. But that was when the tough got going. Gauti prevailed. Kohli survived. Yuvi supported. And Dhoni. What does one say about Dhoni. He mastered, destroyed the defenses, struck the offence and carried India to its victory. 

When the entire team erupted onto the field shouting, screaming and running wild, the entire nation was engulfed in celebrations. Fireworks burst across the country. Fans were wild throughout the night. One billion prayers had come true. I have always been accused of being an atheist. I have to clarify. I believe in god very much. It’s just that I hate him/her(not being a MCP here) a lot. But that day god redeemed him or her self slightly. If anybody deserves the cup, it had to be the mortal GOD of cricket, Sachin. As I saw him hold the cup high, I didn’t even notice the tears streaming down my cheek. Yes. I was an Indian. Yes. I am a cricket fan. And Yes. I lived to see the day when Sachin lifted the cup.

New year - New thoughts

With the New year, I once again sit down to analyze my past year and my plans for the new year. Overall, I think it resembled my boss's appraisal cycle( and frankly that hurt less than my version ) . Although this would probably be the image that goes through my mind...

..I know that there are certain things that I could certainly tweak a little bit.( purely as a favor to other people )

But all said and done, we have to look at the reality and see what is possible, much like below.

Enough with the copied cartoons. Let's get down to business.

Important things ( both past year and the new year )

1) Health : On the health perspective, things have been much better the last year. Fewer hospital admissions( oh how the nurses must miss me ) , fewer incidents of instability of sugar levels ( maybe i am plateauing at 300 now ). I dont know what differently I did last year but I know for sure what I am planning to do this year. I am starting off on a new diet. ( to be discussed in another post coming soon ). The underlying idea of the new diet is to go off any processed food or chemical intake. ( I just chugged down a Pepsi can before writing this, so you can see that I am already started off well )

2) Physical exercise : The whole of last year's physical exercise can be summed up like this : some 10 hours of shuttle-cock, 15 hours of working out in the gym ( I use this the term "working out" very liberally...it includes stolen minutes of oggling at 20-somethings stretching on the floor mat and good looking 30's on the step machine ), 10 hours of walking up and down the stairs (when the lifts weren't working), another 200 hours of walking (inside the house, in malls, during intervals to the snack counter at the movies, walking to the kitchen for midnight munchies etc. etc.) This year however I plan to hit the gym on a more regular basis. ( the above statement was made in a state of euphoric dizziness as the new year hit and should not be held against the writer )

3) Work : The last year has been a so-so year at work. I not only managed not to achieve my target, but also managed not to even come close to it, though for not lack of trying. Many prospects have remained just that, Prospects and not gone to the next level of commitment, to being a customer. Come on people, show your commitment, SIGN THE CONTRACT. ( the above statement is put in bold so that in case any of my leads do a google on me and land up on this post and survive past the starting paras and wind up here, they know what they should do    SIGN THE CONTRACT ). I believe the year past would have been the year when I was the closest to achieving my zenith in terms of my KRA. (Zenith meaning the greatest height....and i am somewhere around the height of Yelagiri now, compared to the K2 I face). In the new year i hope all my prospects wake up from their slumber and check their mail boxes and read my mails and ....SIGN THE CONTRACT....or at the least remove me from the spam list.

4) Family : The past year there has been an addition to the family. I got married. I think that rounds up this post and why I am getting all these resolutions. She motivates me to get around to do all these things.

Going Flat-hunting in Chennai

Man has evolved over time and his needs and wants have changed from time to time. There was a time when he would settle for a nice leg of dinosaur meat whereas now living in a gluten free, fat free, carbo-free diet is all the rage now..The next step in this evolution would be food-free. But one thing that hasn't changed over the years has been the need for shelter. Sure, we have come a long way from fur-covered cave floors and mudhouses to living in high-rises and duplex houses. But you get what I am saying. We all want shelter and a comfortable shelter at that. (leave apart the fact that we screw over other living things in the meanwhile)

Being of marriageable age, the first thing that any salaried young person(mostly male) of this generation sees is to where and how to purchase a place to call it their own. With the way real estate has been recently, people are scrambling to search, locate and buy a house that is within their budgets(or rather the loan limits that the banks are willing to trust us with).

I too joined the bandwagon recently, not because I needed a place, but purely based on doing what everyone else does. So my exodus started. I joined the team at office and outside friends on their site visits to upcoming apartments both inside the city and on the outskirts. I heard terms like floor-rise, pre-emis, carpet area, ccp, stilt parking, corpus fund all swim over my head during these conversations. I too nodded, acting knowledgeably but simply couldnt make heads or tails of what they were talking about.

All that I seemed to look whenever I went to see any half constructed building was the model apartment, the interiors, the view etc. Mundane stuff to the serious buyers but exciting stuff to me. My journey took me to all the prominent builders in the city. Man , Are they out to screw us or what.

Take for example my recent visit last week to a couple of projects happening on the OMR. We went as a group of five, all packed tighter together than a stack of chips in the Pringles box. At the first place, we slowly unwound ourselves and untangled our bodies and got in to the sales office. The layout was huge and they had cleverly put their sales office at the very end of the layout so that we get impressed and bowled over by the size of the layout.

The technical details were all being discussed in detail by the other guys( the serious buyers) and as usual I had nothing else to do( except nod knowingly ). When it looked like the questions were coming to an end, I asked the only question that I had. " Can I see the model apartment"

The Sales guy took a glance at me and immediately recognized me for what I am . A joy seeking voyeur who just wanted to glance at the flat and not worthy of the sales effort. But luckily my colleagues joined in and requested to see the flat as well. Phew..thanks guys.

He nodded his head to say no" the model flat isnt ready yet". That was interesting. I went back and did some research. About 45% of the layout had been sold out already and they had did that without having a model flat. Impressive? No. It was purely out of the brand name that they had. After the serious buyers left their numbers and contact details we all packed in the small car again( later I realized, my "friends" had filled in my details in the contacts form...Friends...you cant live without them...you die because of them)

The second place that we visited was a step up in terms of the pricing and brand equity. It typically showed in the off-handed way that the sales guy was treating us. We decided to have fun and kept battering him for details and pooh-poohing his statements about Unavailability of certain stuff that we wanted. By the time we left, the sales guy was confused whether we were serious buyers or window-shoppers and kept giving details about upcoming projects which would satisfy our requirements. We kept a straight face and walked out.

The last place that we visited was the highlight of the day. It was possibly the most expensive layout in that piece of road and brand equity of the builder was sky-high. It was a name recognizable not only in our city but across India. Just before entering we had lowered the window on the passenger side. We had made a pact to act as professional and as high-funda as possible. Lady Luck was and is a bitch. Pam( that's the name of my car ) decided to play hookey. The window wouldnt rise up as we parked in the vast parking area in front of the marketing office. Whatever image that we wanted to project was seriously shot to hell as three guys tired pulling the window up from inside the car door frame.

Finally we walked in to the office( leaving the window wide open ) deciding to salvage whatever little image that we had. One of my colleagues openly gaped at a BMW coupe parked. We shot him a glance to say" SHUT UP" and entered the office. One has seen offices and then one has to see this office. This was the epitome of all sales offices ever. Normally one gets carried away by the model apartment but the look and the grandeur of the sales office was enough to silence us.

Sure enough, a tired and holier-than-thou sales lady came to greet us. She must have quickly assessed that the possibility of one of us buying a flat here was equivalent to Chennai getting a snowstorm. But I do appreciate her. She went through the motions, with reduced vigor but nevertheless the long sales spiel. She didnt sit us down and talk through the details as its normally done but quickly proceeded to what she guessed was our main intention of walking in.

She took us to the model apartment. One word described it. AWESOME. We were left speechless with the way the entire flat was done and she walked through the whole layout making a 30 second power walk, what usually she would be doing for 30 minutes. " This is the bedroom, that is another bedroom...and that is one another bedroom" Frankly we didnt even deserve that.

As if that wasnt enough she had the audacity and gall to take us to a bigger and better apartment. If all doubts of whether we were the right clientele existed for her before, it was quickly dispelled. We were open-mouthedly gaping at the grandeur and the richness with which the entire flat had been done up with.

We offered the same sweet nothings, gathered the pamphlets and started for the door. Something stopped me and I turned her and asked her for another brochure and payment plan. She turned, tiringly to the security guard and said," Give another brochure to them" and walked off. That off-handedness and casual dismissal rubbed me wrong.

So I have decided. I shall definitely buy a flat there. Even if it takes me my entire lifetime ( by the looks of it, it really shall) and my entire salary goes to paying it. Seriously I would need two..make it three salaries to pay the monthly EMI. It comes close to a lac.

So I arrived at this second plan. It involves some explosives, a good getaway car, some weapons and a bank with a fully stocked vault...any volunteers??

You have got mail !!!

More than often, we had to write letters that weren't totally pleasant and some were downright tough and hard to write. But even then, they had to be written.

Here I compile a few letters that I think would have been as tough to write as it was to read.

(DISCLAIMER : All these are figments of my imagination and bear no resemblance to any living or dead person. If such people do really exist, then, well you have got a template now to base your next letter upon )

Love letter

Dear Jessica,

I know it has been quite some time since we last met. In fact the last time that we met, you ended up paying the dinner bill and catching a 32 mile cab drive home. You can probably attribute to the fact that I went to the rest-room and scrambled out of the window. You maybe thinking that it was because of the fact that for the entire 29 minutes of the meal, you had to talk about how your 7 dogs had to be de-balls-ified. What more, Your recital of the same procedure seven times in such a short duration had me thinking as to how exciting a life with you would be. More exciting than watching paint dry while someone plays the recording of fingernails on the blackboard over and over …and over again.

Any way I hope you have a great life ahead. One pointer..in the future, when on a date, it would be immensely better if you would start of the date with something pleasant like the weather or even your job(which I doubt is pleasant) and not start with the flatulence incident of last week. Trust me. It’s not funny. 

All the best,

Jimmy coburn

Job application

Respected Sir,

                 

            Foremost, I would like to thank you for granting me your valuable time for my interview for  the position of junior aisle cleaner in your esteemed establishment. I apologize for arriving at the interview venue well past the mutually scheduled time. I was afflicted by a serious case of incapacitation due to an excessive intake of alcohol and thereby intoxication by aforementioned substance. 

            As I recall, there might have been spontaneous outbursts of verbal profanity, often comprehending genealogy and particularly certain offensive verbiage against your female parent. I profusely apologize for the same.

            

           I would certainly be much obliged to you if you could provide me with a second chance at redressing my earlier application to be successfully employed by your organization.  As you can see I went to great pains to ensure that my language is above par to ease away the memory of our earlier meeting.

   

Respectfully yours,

Michael

Agony Aunt

Dear Aunt Agatha,

              

              I have been a reader of your column for the past six years and have always found the advice that you have given to your readers to be extremely useful. I have been married for the past 10 years and have been living happily with my husband and two kids of age 7 and 3.

            Recently I read a reader’s question to you in your column, who talks about how her husband seems to have lost interest in the marriage and seems to be spending more time at office than required and always looking for a reason to start a fight. I drew parallels and saw that my life was exactly in the same position as the person who had written to you for advice.   

            You had advised her to be more caring and open to her husband’s needs and talk to him directly to see how best the situation could be handled and the romance could be revived.

I followed your advice and talked to my husband sweetly and in a understanding tone. I asked him what his problems are and how I could help to solve them. I also asked him, like you suggested if there was anything that we could do to revive our marriage. From that time onwards, he has become suspicious of me and refuses to eat anything that I cooked until I ate it first. He is paranoid and maniacally screams that I am out to kill him. Can you kindly help?

A distressed wife