21 Days - The finale

It was a cloudy day. The sky was overcast with dark clouds threatening to open up anytime and rescue the people from yet another sweltering hot day. I prayed that I didn't get caught in the rain when it starts. I had just reached the driveway of the hospital when all of a sudden it started. Looked as though someone had been waiting with a bucket of water and just toppled it on my head. I entered the hospital soaking wet, the wetness already draining me of energy on what looked like a long day.

Smita's treatment was done. The course had finished. There was no blatant issues or remission episodes. On the whole, it looked like the treatment had took. But it was still too early to say anything.

I entered her room but quickly backed off when I saw the entire room packed with people. People who I had not seen the entire duration of her stay at the hospital. People who had come now, confused whether to be happy that she is leaving today or sad that it happened in the first place. Visiting someone at the hospital is a thing of timing. And people who had missed their timing had it more tough. Since whatever they do after that it will look like it was a last minute scramble.

I went about the ward checking up on the other patients but Smita was on top of my mind throughout. I wandered past her room a couple of times, but found it always occupied with people. The conversation had now drifted past the actual reason they were in the hospital and it became more or less like a impromptu family get-together. I could swear I heard someone there talk about an upcoming wedding.

It was lunchtime before I could once again get back to her room. I entered and found her sitting upright. She looked up and smiled at me.

"So...today is the big day. You are leaving the hospital. The course is done. "

"yeah it is. I am leaving today. I am so happy to leave. I can't wait for school."

I didnt have the heart to tell her that although she is leaving today, she isn't out of it completely. There is going to be checkups, tests and the whole rigmarole once again in a few months. I didnt want to break the bubble she had conjured up.

"I can understand why. It must be pretty boring here...and painful too, with all the tests, drips etc."

"Oh that..ya that too. More than that, Dad will be at home. He told me last night. He is going to be here only with me and mom. He is not going back abroad. Isnt that great?"

"Oh that's nice. " I said in a neutral tone, not sure whether to be skeptical, unsure as to how long the truce between husband and wife will hold.

The door opened and the characters in discussion stood there framed in the doorway. They both entered in, together. That's when I realized this was the first time I am seeing both of them together.

"Doctor, What time can we leave?" inquired Jayakumar.

"The report is getting ready. Dr.Arul already gave you the schedule for the testing and the follow-ups this morning right? Once the report gets ready, you can leave. Billing came back in the morning with the NDC"

"Yes, we got the schedule from him. We already fixed up the next appointments."

"Doctor?" a voice beckoned me.

The nurse was there with the discharge report in her hand. I checked the reports. 21 days of hospitalization. Hundreds of reports, pages of history, test results. I patiently checked the entire lot and signed at the end and handed over the copy to her mom.

Smita got up from the bed. I was so used to seeing her in the hospital garb that it was surprising to see her get out of the bed in an orange t-shirt and jeans. She hopped and stood in between her mom and dad, looking at both of them.

"So Smita, say bye to the doctor. It is time for us to leave." prodded her mom

"Bye doctor...thanks" Smita added.

"Bye Smita, Take care. Take the medicines at the proper time. All the best."

I watched them grab up the bags in one hand and in another the punctured hands of their kid and step out and walk the corridor.

I looked at the patient charts and saw Dr.Arul's scribble on the front.

"Extremely fragile. Handle with caution. Needs constant supervision"

I looked at them turn the end of the corridor and step out of sight...for the moment.

"Doctor, bed number 8 is vomiting heavily. "

I turned and returned to work.

Check out another story in 3 parts - Cup Of Tea

21 Days - Day 20

"Good morning Smita" I chirped as I entered her room.

I hadn't knocked or waited to enter before I shouted out my greeting, so I was slightly taken back by the sight of her mom in the room.

"Good morning Madam. How is she today?" noticing the sleeping form of Smita on the bed.

"She is fine. She got up, had her breakfast and went of to sleep. Should I wake her up?" she replied.

"No no no...let her sleep. I will just check on her vitals and the charts.", I said, taking my scopes out.

The thing about being a patient in a hospital is the ease with which you get used to the constant probes and tests that are done on you. A week or two in the hospital and you wouldn't even wake up when somebody checks your pressure or does a blood test.

I went about my work and entering the values and checking the earlier values entered in the charts. She was doing good. Her pulse was normal. No other issues had cropped up. Yesterday had been the last day of chemo and radiation. The lab guys had come early morning and taken the blood samples.

" We are not splitting up"

The sudden statement caught me off-balance. Not that it was shouted out. But in a silent hospital room, even a whisper can be loud. The nature of her statement added to the deafening resonance in my ears.

"uhh...what?" I asked.

"We are not splitting up. Me and Jay. I know that you heard us arguing the other day and talking about divorce. We decided not to divorce, for Smita's sake. We think that is the best course."

I didn't have a ready reply to that. Of course it was the best decision. I couldn't even imagine the additional trauma that such a thing could do to Smita. I wanted to hug her and say thanks. At the same time I wanted to give her a tight slap for even considering something like that at a time like this.

All that I said was," Hmm hmm"

"Jay and I talked it out. We had some issues, with his absence and other things. We have decided all that can wait. What is important now is Smita...and her health. "

"Hmm hmm.. If you want I can ask our resident psychiatrist to recommend some marriage counselor. That really works. Atleast you should be in a support group. There are lots of support groups for parents with affected children. It might be very helpful."

"Yeah yeah, maybe we should do that." in a very nonchalant way, which made me think she isn't going to do that anytime soon.

"Listen, Mrs. Jayakumar, I know how tough all this is on you. Shuttling between home and hospital. A sick child...that too at this young age. It takes it's toll on you. Maybe this wouldn't be such a bad idea. Just consider it.", I said, surprised at how intrusive and bold I had become.

"Yes. I shall surely consider it.", she replied.

"Mommy, where is dad?" suddenly a small voice came out.

Smita had woken up. We both turned to look at her.

"He is here only, baby. He will be here only" , her mom replied

I turned and left the room.

Day 21 - The Finale

21 Days - Day 19

By the time I got to get some food it was lunchtime and the cafeteria was crowded. The whole morning had been hectic, as usual. I grabbed my plate and scouted for a place to sit and had to roam around the hall before I spotted an empty place at the corner. I made my way there and settled down.

I wolfed down hungrily and before I realized I had finished my first helping. I made my way to the lunch counter and helped myself once again and made to my table. The crowd was thinning now, I guess not everybody had my appetite. I was through my second helping when I heard a voice.

"Mind if I sit here?"

I looked up to see Smita's dad standing there with his plate. I motioned him to sit down, my mouth still half full.

I swallowed what I had in my mouth, gulped down some water to make it easier, so that I can talk to him.

"So, you saw Smita, she is back in the room, right?"

"Oh yes yes. I did. I spent the whole evening yesterday with her. She looks much better. "

"Yes, she is responding to the treatment well. The course gets over today. Tomorrow we shall run some tests and see what's the status. "

" Yes Dr. Arul spoke to my wife today morning and told her the same."

"Oh your wife spoke to you?" I blurted out, realizing my mistake even as the words were coming out.

He looked at me quizzically and said "Yeah, she told me about an hour back", still puzzled with the way my question had come out.

"I mean..I meant, she has given you the update already. Good."

"Yes.Yes" , he went back to his plate.

I watched him play around with his spoon on an almost empty plate. He seemed to be thinking about something, mulling it over in his mind. I wanted to urge him on, but held back.

"Doctor, one serious question. What are her chances of survival? I mean, be frank with me. I don't want the normal promises of doing the best you can and stuff. I want to know the truth. What is her state?"

I realized then why he had hesitated so long. It was not a easy question to ask and certainly not an easy answer to give. My mom had told me when I was a kid, never to ask questions that I don't want to know the answers for. I didn't know whether he really wanted to know the answer, whether he will be able to take the answer, to accept the answer.

"Mr. Jayakumar, Honestly speaking, we don't know. We know the effect of the medicine that we are treating her with. We know her vitals, her blood count, her WBC count. We are monitoring the tumor as well. But in the end it is all up to her..I mean her body. If there are no remissions , then we can be assured that she will be healthy. We really cant say. I am sorry."

He looked at me, eyes wide open.

"Thanks doctor. I needed to know that. I really needed to know that"

He abruptly stood up, pushed his chair back in, left the tray in the wash area and walked out of the cafeteria.

Day 20

21 Days - Day 18

The day started off very bad. Really bad. It all started when I got a call at 3 in the morning. Doctors over the years develop a vibe when they receive phone calls from the hospitals at odd times. Sometimes it is a serious complication. Sometimes it is just a new nurse who doesn't know what to do if there is a change in protocol or wasn't part of the SI (standard instructions). And sometimes it was calls that go like this.

"Hello..Dr.Cathy" a tired voice called out my name.

"Yes..this is she..What happened" I said groggily, still sleepy but awake enough to recognize the number of the hospital on my cellphone.

"We have a situation. It's Seth"

" What happened, Sarala? " I said recognizing the night shift nurse's voice.

" He is going into convulsions. The duty doctor is trying his best, but I dont think he will last long."

Mr. Seth, or bed number 7 as we call him, has been in and out of the hospital for the past 3 years. He was 37 years old. Not a bad age. But a very young age for a person to be in the medical deterioration that his body was in. Nobody knows what exactly started it, but we know what condition he is now.  It started with a small accident four years back. That's when we discovered that he was suffering from leukemia. From there it was downhill. Diabetes came in and left him weaker than he already was.

"I shall be right over" I said, now fully awake.

I got dressed up pretty quickly. That was one personal thing that I learned being a doctor. I could get ready in  six minutes flat. Comes in pretty handy when one needs to be at the hospital at inhuman hours. I was almost out of the door when my phone rang again.

"Cathy, we lost him"

I paused but momentarily and locked the door and ran all the way to my car.

By the time I reached the hospital the duty doctor had finished all the formalities. I almost ducked out of the room when I saw the wife, but stuck around to talk to her. It was not unexpected but just because you know what is going to happen doesn't lessen the pain any less.

The day had started bad, and when a day starts bad early, there is no way that it would get better during the day. There was a couple of minor crises and by the time we got on top of that, it had metamorphosed into major crisis. It was almost lunch time by the time I finished up. That's when I realized I had gone  8 hours without any food. There had been 2 coffees and a half finished cup of noodles but that was so many hours ago I forgot about it. I headed to the cafeteria. It was full of people and I realized that I would be stuck with a plate of food in my hand and not a place to sit and eat. I decided to go out for lunch.

As I almost walked out of the hospital, I thought I will check out on Smita.I headed to the ICU.

"Hi Smita" I said with as much cheer as I could muster.

"Hi doctor. Guess what I am going back to my room today. The nurse who was just in told me." She beamed her good news.

I checked her chart and could see from the notes that she was doing well. The ICU doctor had written 'To shift to room' in bold at the bottom. This was a good break from the way the day had been so far.

"Yes. You are going back to the room. Told you right, that you will be fine."

"Oh yes. You were right. I can't wait to see mom and dad. They couldn't stay in here for long inside this room I guess. They didn't spend much time with me for these two days."

"Yes, that is right." I smiled.

"I heard about Mr.Seth.It is so sad" she said in a subdued tone.

I didn't expect that. I didn't even think that she knew who Mr.Seth was.

"You know him? Who told you"

"I heard the nurses talking when they came to check my vitals. I met him many times at the radiation lab. Then I found out that he was on the same floor as me. We used to talk lots about his trekking and his European tours."

I didn't know what to say. I had been treating him for so many years but didn't get a response out of him apart from what was bare minimum needed. I didn't know that he trekked. I didn't know that he had traveled outside India. But here was a nine year old who seemed to have connected.

" It is sad" she said, bringing me back to the room.

"Yes it is. He was in a bad condition. Not responding to treatment or radiation. He was getting infected often. But that's the way it is.It probably was for.."

" I meant that I didn't get to meet him and say bye to him. I wish I could have talked to him one last time. "

I realized I had once again jumped the gun and had gone off on a tangent all alone. She was sad to have missed a friend. And I had thought otherwise.As usual.

"Don't worry about that. Get back to the room soon. Your mom and dad waiting for you.I will see you in the evening" I smiled at her.

"Oh yes..ok see you" she beamed.

I stepped out of the hospital and headed to a local joint to grab some food. While I walked alone, I thought about Smita and her zest for life.The way she made friends quickly. Her friends. Her parents. Her condition. Her dreams. Her battle. How she was dealing with all that. Then my thoughts quickly moved to compare myself with her. After a couple of minutes I stopped thinking about that.

As I said the day didn't get better.

Day 19

21 Days - Day 17

"When will I get back to the room?" a small voice quipped.

I looked up from the charts. Smita was doing well, considering the scare she had given me yesterday. Her vitals were looking good and she was able to take semi-solids today. My guess was that she should be normal, or as normal as she is ever going to be in a day or two.

"Two days max. You will be back in your room by then" I said, cheerfully.

There was silence for a couple of minutes.

"You never take leave uh? I always see you in hospital. That too so late. Wont your mom shout at you for being outside for so late?"

I didn't know what to feel or to say to her. Whether I should tell her how my 'planned' leave yesterday went haywire and left me back at the hospital. Whether I should tell her that doctors,especially in their early stage of career had never-ending shifts. Whether I should be glad that she still thinks of me as being young eough to get reprimanded by my mom. Whether I should be sad that whether young or old I dont have a mom to reprimand me anymore.

"No. She wont shout at me. She knows that my work keeps me late." I managed with a smile.

"What does your dad do?"

It looked like today was going to be a tough question day for me. The questions by themselves were innocent, but each question brought back suppressed memories in me. Memories that I had fought hard to keep it from boiling over and taking over my life.

"Nothing. He is retired now."

"What did he used to do"

The questions were not stopping. I didnt know what to say about my dad. I had tried my best to forget my dad. Been trying very hard for the past 10 years. Trying to forget the day he came home with Sheila aunty. Trying to forget the day that he and mom had a fight. Trying to forget the day me and my mom moved out of the house on Cardinal road and into that single bedroom apartment in Officer's quarters. The day that my mom died. Seeing a blurred image through my tears of my dad coming there drunk.

"He was a manager in a bank. That was long ago. He is retired now."

"Oh..ok. My dad is a manager too. In Softech. Very big company, you know. But I dont like it. They keep sending him abroad. Often he goes away for months and I dont get to see him. It must be nice for you to be able to see your dad every day."

"Ha ha .. ya ya it is" I laughed, thinking when was the last time that I had seen my dad. It had been 3 years ago.
 
"So you saw your mom and dad yesterday? " I asked, slightly curious.

"Oh yes. Mom came in the morning. She bought me a new sketchbook and set of oil paints. She was looking very tired but stayed with me till lunch time. After I ate that gooey stuff they gave as lunch she left. That gooey gooey thing was terrible. Tasted like chalk. Yuck"

" Yes I know. It has to be that way. We cant put any spices in the food for you. That's why it is plain." I said and paused,"What about your dad?"

"He came in the evening. He was also looking tired. I guess running around between home and hospital is making them both tired. He bought me a new dress and promised to get me the new cycle that I have been asking for. Isnt that great? been wanting to ride a cycle for so long. Mom never allowed it. But she doesn't know that I have been borrowing from my friend at school and trying it in school."She said with a mischievous grin.

"Good good. It wont be long before you are out of here and riding that cycle" I said.

"Let's see", she said with visible excitement.

I wished good night and left the ICU.


Day 18

21 Days - Day 16

I didn't want to go to the hospital today. I had been pulling double shifts so many times the past month that I had many comp-off saved up. Not that I ever use my comp-off. I spend most of my time at the hospital that I simply don't know where or what I will do with all those accumulated leaves.

I woke up lazily, thinking I had slept in for longer than what was usual. But the clock showed seven. I had slept in for barely thirty minutes extra. My body has been conditioned to getting up early and there was nothing I could do about it.

I went around the small flat that I rented out in one of the quiet neighborhoods near my hospital, looking for chores to complete. The whole flat was a mess, and I didnt really want to start on getting it upright because I knew deep in my heart I wont complete it.

By 8:30 I had run out of patience and could no longer take the quiet and calmness of my dirty flat. I changed from the crumpled slacks I was in and into a plain salwar. Now that I had decided to go out, the destination wasnt much of a confusion. I headed towards the hospital.

Stepping into the hospital the day that you are not working has always made me feel different about it. It's as though everything is in slow motion. Without the hurry and hectic running around that is on a normal day, I was actually able to see the patients and see the impact of their disease on them. It was as though all through my duty time I had been wearing a different set of lenses.

I said hi to the duty nurses, shouting out even before they request me for assistance, that I am on leave today. I joked with them, laughed out aloud and then went to the cafeteria. I had just then realized that I hadnt eaten from morning. I had a filling brunch session and just wanted to stretch out and sleep.

I proceeded to my ward, proceeding to just check in on all my patients. Taking a look at the reports that had come in after I had left for the day. Seeing if the duty doctor had changed any of the protocols or medication. Everything looked fine.

I worked my way through the corridor, checking on each patient and leaving instructions where needed, sometimes revoking orders, sometimes accepting the changes.

I purposely kept Smita's room for the last. I thought I will spend some time with her today, talking to her. I opened the door and stepped in. The room was dark. That's when I noticed that the bed was empty.

That wasn't odd. We normally wheel around the patient in case they require some tests to be done which cannot be done at bedside. I went to the cafeteria again to grab a cup of coffee. I had to lurk in one corner of the room as I didnt want to get spotted by any of the seniors. Or by Smita's mom or dad.

I walked upto the nurse station and asked the head nurse the whereabouts of Smita. Sometimes in order to do tests, the patients will be moved around. The head nurse looked at me and said," You didnt know? they didnt call you last night? "

"What happened?" My voice almost shrieking.

"She is in the ICU. Around two in the morning she developed some breathing issues, and needed support. Nothing serious, the line in her room wasnt working. So the shift doctor decided to move her to ICU"

My breath of relief must have been audible. For a minute she had given me the shivers. I pushed back negative thoughts and almost ran to the ICU ward in the opposite side of the building.

Day 17

21 Days - Day 15

" I am not sure whether we should be trying that" said Dr.Arul.

I looked at him, helpless, wanting him to accept my suggestion. We were discussing on Smita's medication and he was reluctant to try out the new drug that had come out recently and was in trial stage.

"But it could work and could possibly her body could not have issues with that. What is the harm in trying that?" I asked, my voice quivering in high pitch.

"It is still in a trial stage and we are not sure about it's delivery mechanism and post-delivery impact on minors. I am sorry but it's too much of a unrecorded risk that we can take in this case."

I sighed and decided that he was probably right. I gathered up the notes and the charts, got up and left his consulting room. I wasn't really angry at him. I was at the desperately trying to see if there was anything that I could possibly do for Smita.

After a half-eaten lunch in the hospital cafeteria, I walked into the ward. A fortnight had passed since I first met Smita and I wasnt sure if there had been any progress at all that any of us could visibly see or measure.

I walked past her room, almost decided in my mind that I shouldn't enter but then changed my mind and entered her room. She was alone.

"Hi Smita. How are you feeling today? The vomiting stopped?" I asked knowing the answer even before asking.

The vomiting had stopped post breakfast today, mainly running out of material. We had put her on a NLBM diet. No Liquid By Mouth. In other words we stopped food intake and put her on saline and glucose drips.

" I am better. Tired. No vomit since morning." she replied in a weak voice.

" That's good. I meant the vomit part. Dont worry, you will be back on solid foods in a day or two."

"Can you give me some water?" her question coming out of a parched mouth.

In NLBM, the patient isn't allowed to even drink water. I dipped a cotton ball in water and squeezed it in her mouth, wetting her dry lips and tongue. She lapped up the water desperately. She looked at me hungrily for more, and I repeated the process, knowing that too much water and she might throw up again.

She laid back on the bed after this, tired out by this small task. I looked at her frail form and vowed internally to do something for her.

"Where is my mom?"

I looked at her. I thought she was drifting away to sleep but she was still awake.

"Where is my mom? I didnt see her today" she repeated.

"I dont know. I will check around and see. She must have come in when you were asleep. I will ask the nurse. You want her to get something for you?" I enquired.

"No. Nothing. Where is my dad?" she continued.

"uhh.. I dont know, I will have to ask the duty nurse only." I replied.

"Ok.. Tell them to wake me up if I am sleeping when they come."

"Oh sure I will leave the message at the nurse station. But now you go sleep." I smiled at her and tucked her into the hospital bed-sheets.

"Good night Smita. Sleep well now"I said, switching off the lights.

She didnt reply. She had fallen asleep already.

Day 16

21 Days - Day 14

"Doctor, we have a problem"

I squinted up, jarred by the sudden burst of florescent light in the small, dark room where night shift doctors crashed to catch up on some sleep during night shifts.

I wasn't in a mood to get up and asked her, still lying on the bed,"What happened..who"

"Patient number 6..she is vomiting heavily. For past 20 minutes"

I woke up. Vomiting alone is not a serious issue. Most often it can be treated with antiemeitc pill or shot.  But when a patient undergoing chemo takes to vomiting, it is a very serious issue. More complex than your run-of-the-mill vomiting. Vomiting or nausea means that the chemo medicine was causing some problem. Trying to choose the perfect mix of medicine which has the minimal side effects was a crucial part of my job. And it looked like I had failed.

I rushed to her room and opened the door ajar. I had come in just in time to see her throw up green liquid which I suspected to be bile into a kidney tray. The tray was in the hands of someone I could not identify from the back. I walked to the head of the bed and realised it was the dad. Mr. Jayakumar.

He didnt seem to have even noticed me. His eyes were focused on his daughter and ready to catch any more spew that might  come out. He carefully wiped away her mouth with a wet tissue.

"Do you want some water, to gargle..to drink??"

" No daddy. That's it. I am fine now."

"How long have you been vomiting" I interrupted.

He looked at me as though that was the first time he knew that I was in the same room.

"She has been throwing up since evening 6. Whatever she ate came out, followed by even water that she drinks. She had one apple juice at 5. That was the last food she ate. After that only water has been given. But she hasn't stopped vomiting only." he replied in he behalf, his voice tight and tense.

"Did she have anything to eat from outside, apart from hospital food" I asked, desperately praying for another cause for this.

"No, she didn't. I have been with her since morning and she hasnt had anything like that."

I wrote down an antiemetic as a stop-gap remedy. I would need to discuss with Dr.Arul as to change in the medicine.

I looked at him, him staring at his daughter who was now resting. She was exhausted and sleeping already. He kept looking at her with so much concern and intensity I didn't interrupt. She will be alright. She has to get alright. I left a kid with her father to take care of her.

Day 15

21 Days - Day 13

"So how you feeling today.." I asked in my most cheerful tone.

Smita looked up, managed a smile, that just broke my heart into a million pieces, before replying," I am good.."

I checked on her vitals and her charts and saw that she was stating the truth. She was managing quite well and her results were looking up. Only one small thing was down. Her WBC count was down. We could look at this in two ways. The radiation was working. The other way to look at it was now she was losing her immunity. She is prone to infection about 10x times more.

"So..no issues of cold, cough or fever right?" I enquired.

"No...Had headache in the morning but now I am fine."

I nodded and went back to writing the status on her charts.

"Excuse me....Is this where Smita is ..oh Hiiii Smitaaa!!!!"

I turned around so quickly I almost lost balance. The voice belonged to a girl of about Smita's age. She had peeked through the door and now with affirmation that she was in the right room boldly entered.

"How are you Smita...when you coming back to school...You know the play we were practicing for is happening on the 23rd....we miss you there...so how are things...how you feeling now...Preetha also wanted to come but she had her violin class....my dad brought me here....we got a new car...you should see it....it is so big and it speaks to you..."

The barrage of questions interspersed with statements continued for another 3-4 minutes before she stopped. I guess she ran out of breath and was just about to start off again when Smita interrupted.

"Doctor, this is my classmate Jaanvi...We live in the same apartment also...Jaanvi, this is my doctor...she takes good care of me."

The girl turned to me and gave a 3 second smile, practiced to perfection before turning back to her friend.

"So...how are things...did you hear about the new watchman we got in our flat...oh he is so funny...he has got a funny way of walking...our block kids have already named him Mr.Penguin....Mrs.Shanthi is killing us with more and more homework every day and we have a test on.."

I gently closed the door and let them two converse alone. It must be good for Smita to get to meet a friend, and get back a glimpse of what was normal in her life. A link back to normalcy. I went around the ward checking up on my other patients.

It must have been 15-20 minutes before I came before Smita's room. I hesitated before opening the door, not really wanting to disturb them. I, however found her gone and Smita lying on the bed reading some book.

"Oh is your friend gone?" I asked.

"Jaanvi is not my friend. She is just in my class and flats." Smita replied curtly.

"Ok..I understand." I said, getting to know a bit more about Smita's friends than I needed to.

"Have you ever felt like, whatever you do, how much ever you try hard or want something, that you might not get it in the end? What do you do then?" she asked.

Not knowing the reason behind such a question, I prepared to give a suitable answer when she continued.

"When you are not going to get what you want, why should I even try to get that? Knowing that I am going to fail, why should I even try?"

Now I was confused as to how to answer this. But she once again took away that worry from me.

"Isn't giving up before trying better than trying and failing? "

This time it ended as though she was waiting for an answer. I gave it to her.

"Smita, nothing is certain. In anything. Whether you will get or not get what you want is never confirmed till it happens. Till the time it actually happens. So how can you give up on something without trying? What if by giving up you are giving up on getting the thing that you wanted? You say that you are not going to get something and want to give up? think in the reverse. What if you will get that thing that you want only if you try, which you are not doing because you think that you will not get it. Dont you think that is wrong?"

She looked at me as though I had just said something that was either path-breaking or pure nonsense.

I continued.

" All of us are given chances to get what we want. It is upto us to see if we use that chance and try and get what we are capable of getting. If we give up on that chance then what we are doing is refusing the chance that god gave us."

"But why does God have to make it so tough and hard? What did I do wrong that I am not getting it after trying so hard?"

I was not sure as to how to handle this. Sure, I went through psychiatry during my medical course, but only as a credit point and not in depth. I wasnt sure whether to broach the subject of death and the inevitability of death for all human beings when she spoke again.

"Jaanvi got the lead part in the school play. I wanted to be Snow White so badly. I really tried hard. I even got a new gown stitched and all"

The relief on my face must have been obvious. It was about a play after all. I smiled and said,"Dont worry, you shall get it. If not this time , the next time for sure."

I switched off the light and turned to leave at the door. At the door I turned back and looked at her still form now. She was a kid after all. Just a kid.

Day 14

21 Days - Day 12

" I am sorry"

I looked up. The scene was reversed. Smita's mom stood in the doorway of my small duty doctor's room.

"Uh..ok..for what? " I asked, not very clear.

"For you having to see that yesterday. It was not supposed to be...not supposed to happen that way."

"Oh that's ok.. I am sorry to have barged in like that. I just had some good news and wanted to share that. I am sorry...Hey what happened"

She had started to cry and I wasn't sure as to what I should do.

" Nothing. Nothing at all"

I hoped that was the end of that line of discussion but I was wrong.

"Twelve years. Twelve long years. I have lived with that man. I cant anymore. I just cant."

"Mrs. Jayakumar, I am not sure if I am the right person you should be talking to. There is Dr. Tom, our psychiatrist. He is very experienced and would be able to provide proper counse.."

" I cant believe it has come to this...It's over.. 12 years is over..." She mumbled to herself, no longer talking to me but to herself.

"I am sorry..but I really think Dr.Tom would be able to help you. It's very common to see strife and tension between the parents of terminally ill children. He would be able to guide you both." I said and stopped, waiting for a response to continue.

"Mrs. Jayakumar ...Mrs Jayakumar?" I prompted

She broke out of her trance, "What..oh yes yes...What is the good news"

"Uh..good news? " surprised at the abrupt change in the topic, "yes yes the good news. We just found out that there is no side-effects to the radiation and her body is not rejecting the medicine. So in all probability, we would be able to get the tumor under control and treat it without any complication."

" hmm hmm " she nodded absentedly.

" Without any remission, we can hope that she will be able to lead a normal life"

She got up abruptly. She wiped her face with an almost soggy tissue. She put it back in her purse, as though she didnt want to leave any evidence of the crying.

She opened the door, stood there for a moment, " Thanks doctor...thanks... a normal life..thanks."

She left.

Day 13

21 Days - Day 11

"There has been remarkable progress. There seems to be no rejection for the medicine nor has the radiation seen any complications. I wouldn't be surprised if we manage to get her back to zero state in six months."

I nodded, wishing I had learned gymnastics in school at the moment, because all I wanted to do was a double somersault and possibly cartwheel through the ward's corridor. It wasn't often that we got good news, working in the Cancer ward. So whenever any such things happen it was always a welcome break from the usual.

"That's great news, Dr. Arul. It is indeed good news, provided there isn't any remission."

What had just happened was simply this. The medicine that we had given to Smita was not being rejected by her body which is generally what happens in more cases than you would think normal. Also my biggest fear, the radiation wasnt creating any other complications. So in all possibility the treatment can proceed and might eventually turn out to be a success. I know that it sounds like too far-fetched and too premature to break open the champagne and the party hats.

But this is the cancer ward. We see more suffering and more deaths than what one would normally encounter in one's life. So whenever we get a single positive, however small it might be, it's just another reason for us to continue the next day.

I was in a jubilant mood and almost hopped down the dully lit corridor. I made the visits to the other patients. There wasnt much change in the other patients condition. Most days that itself was good news. No news was good news when you are dealing with terminal illness. Being status quo was a good state to be in and in many patient's condition, that was what we were able to do and promise. Longevity, not eradication. Prolonging the inevitable.

No No No. I almost shouted to myself. I wasnt going to go down that path. Today was a good day. There was a chance, however slim, but a chance nevertheless that we would be able to do something for Smita. To validate our experience and apparent expertise. It was for moments like these that we became doctors.

As I signed off on one patient's chart at the nurse desk, the head nurse motioned her hand calling me towards her.

"Yes, sister. Tell me"

"I just went to number 6 to give her after lunch tablets and to check on the drips. I see that the dad is here now. Dr. Tom was around earlier on.  I would suggest you get Dr. Tom to give them a bit of counseling. I have seen it happen before. Parents are the hardest hit and they then start the blame game."

Dr. Tom was our resident psychiatrist and counselor. Meeting up with him might not be the worst thing for the Jayakumars.

" I will see what I can do"

I wanted to burst in the room and shout out the good news and I nearly almost did. I could hear loud conversation but the words weren't audible. I opened the door to hear the last statement although.

"I want a divorce", said Smita's mom.

She turned to the door that opened just then and I stood there framed in the doorway.

Day 12

21 Days - Day 10

"Who are you", I almost shouted.

The sight of a middle aged man in Smita's room in the wee hours of the morning had startled me. I was doing a double shift and had thought of dropping in and seeing how she is around 4 in the morning, when I saw him.

" Who are you..What you doing here", I repeated.

He slowly got up to his feet. He was looking tired and like a perfect candidate to be the inhabitant of the bed that he was leaning upon when I had walked in.

"I am Jayakumar, Smita's dad"

"Oh I didnt know you were coming. Her mom didnt inform me."

"She didnt know. I didnt know myself whether I would be able to come. But here I am."

We both stared at each other for an awkward moment before he asked, " How is she doing now"

I walked through her status, the treatment that we were giving her, how she was reacting to the treatment, the medications she was under..

"I dont understand most of what you just said. How is she doing...I mean how is she taking all this.", he interrupted.

"Oh she is fine..she is cooperative. She takes her medicine properly..."

" I didnt mean that. How is she taking this entire thing? It has been some time since I saw her. She looks so thin and frail now. How much is she weighing now? Is she eating properly? Will the medications do that to her? Is the treatment very painful? "

I was silent, not knowing which of the questions to answer from this continuous barrage. Was this concern true or was it a last minute effort to project some authority over us and his seemingly estranged family? I don't know and didn't really want to know what dynamics run in Smita's family. I glanced at her chart.

"She is 50. She was creating some problems earlier this week but now it is fine. She is eating properly. The medications are pretty much standardized now and have been in usage for some years now and are totally safe. Pain is on a case-to-case basis and cannot be accurately measured or quantified."

He must have noticed the change in my tone with my curt reply and looked up at me, alternating between his daughter and me when I spoke. He turned back to her and sat on the chair beside the bed with his hands on her arm.

I stood there for a while, looking at the father who didnt have time for his daughter during her best years, but rushing down during her worst, to spend some time..whatever time was left.
Day 11

21 Days - Day 9

" He never called"

I didn't raise my head to hear nor show any reaction to her statement. I continued to change the drip bottle and checked the flow rate.

" He said he will but didn't call. We tried his number and it went to some machine voice. " she repeated.

"Hmm hmm"

"Why didn't he call?" she questioned.

I couldn't remain without answering, "Maybe he was busy Smita, you know your dad is a very busy man."

"It's always the same. My birthday, my dance at Annual day, Aunt Leela's wedding..Always the same excuse"

"He is out there working hard for you only. So that you can get everything that you want. He will be able to buy everything that you want. To go to the best school. To get you new dresses, toys, books etc. to get you .."

"What is the point of all that now... I cant play..I dont want to play... I am not going to school..I want him"

I was stunned to silence by this outburst. For a second I didnt know what to say. All through my life I had to struggle to get each and every thing that I have ever got. Past memories flooded over me. The orphanage..the foster parents..running away..the hostel life..the scholarships..every single phase in my life had been a struggle and here is a girl who got all that. Not just silver spoon but an entire silver cutlery had been given to her...yet, there is a mile of difference in our lives, yet so similar.

 "He will come, dear. Dont worry about that. I am sure that he will come as soon as he is able to come."

She replied with a sniffle.

"What about school? Do you like your school? " I asked, wanting to talk more.

" I guess it's fine. I like my school, especially crafts class. We have so much fun..you know last week Prabhu in my class dropped the glue bottle on the floor. Preethi then put all the glitter and chumki on it. Then Preetha slipped on the floor and rolled on all the stuff. She was looking so so funny. Every time she tried to get up she kept falling down. oh it was so funny."

I looked at her animated face, seeing it full of energy, despite the pale color brought about by her condition. For a brief moment I caught a glimpse of the innocence, of the life that was prior to all these...the dull blue hospital walls, the faded linen, the frequent pricks, the constant pain...this life.

"..and then Prabhu came to help her up and he also slipped and fell. It was so funny and Anita madam had to come and help both of them up. We laughed and laughed till it hurt."

"Ha ha I wish I was there to see it...must have been really funny. So what other classes do you have? "

" Oh there are so many. Most of the classes I like but I hate Hindi class. Bubble gum always makes me stand up and answer questions. She knows that I dont like or understand what she says only. She speaks in such a squeaky voice...like a cat."

"Bubble gum?" I interrupted.

"Yeah that is the name we kept for her. She keeps on going and going non-stop, like a chewed bubble gum..ha ha..nice na? I only kept the name for her."

I nodded and smiled and prodded her to go on. And she did. For the next forty minutes. Without a break. She went to a different place. Totally at calm.  Not worried about the next injection. Not worried about the pain. Not worried about her dad. Not worried about her mom. Not worried about the crafts class that she is missing. Not caring about whether Preetha had a better birthday dress than her. Not worried about the Hindi exam. Not worried.

I sat through the entire monologue, just nodding and prodding her along. Watching her. Watching her be herself. Watching her be her age. Watching a child.Watched her get tired and sleep off, her words slurring, while talking about her field trip to the planetarium. Watched her head fall to one side while she slept. Watched her as she slept, only to awake to another day.

I left the room as quite as I can.

Day 10

21 Days - Day 8

"How you feeling today" I asked.

Smita looked up, her eyes half open. She looked tired. I had come back late last night to see her after her radiation but she was asleep. After spending an hour in silence, I had left for the day.

"I am fine..." she replied, her voice without any strength.

"Don't worry, you will feel much better soon.", I replied, wishing she wouldn't start off on that thread again.

She didn't.

The door opened and framed in the doorway was her mom clutching two heavy bags. She came in heavily and placed the bags on the table, pushing aside the slips of medical bills. With a heavy breath she came near the bed and sat down.

"I just spoke to your dad. He asked for you. He called last night but you were already asleep. He is trying to get leave and fly out here. I have told him that you are fine and was sleeping."

"I wanted to talk to him. You could have woken me up, mommy..I miss him so much..when is he going to come."

"He will come soon, sweetie. You know how tough it is for him to get leave. He will surely come. In a day or two....I will call him around 5 and give the phone to you. You can talk to him then, ok baby?"

"He always says that but he never comes..Please tell him to come soon. It has been so long since I saw him. "

"Yes baby...he will surely come this time. You also tell him when you talk to him today evening."

I finished up my notes and checked the vitals and was about to leave the room.

"Mom, give me your cell na...keep alarm..I dont want to be sleeping when he calls."

I turned and left the room.

Four hours later, a couple of catheters, one discharge report, two new admissions later, I was dead tired and needed caffeine to stay awake. I walked down to the cafeteria and noisily settled into a corner table.

" Ram anna, one coffee, strong with no sugar.", I shouted out.

That is when I noticed her sitting in the other corner of the cafe. Smita's mom. I should have probably left her alone. I dont know what I was thinking but found myself getting up and suddenly I was standing in front of her.

" Can I sit here"

She startled out of whatever personal world she was in and looking at me, nodded slowly.

"How you holding up?"

She nodded and managed a brief smile.

"Don't worry. We will do a round of tests and see the effect of the treatment. We should be able to see some results soon. In fact by the time her dad comes, she should be.."

"Her father isn't coming" she interrupted.

"..fine.  What? I heard you say that he is .."

" ya I know what I said..but he isn't coming."

"oh okay." I said and sat there, not knowing whether the conversation was over or not. You know how sometimes one never knows what correct etiquette is. Whether to leave or to stay put.

She helped me decide.

" This isn't the first time. Always some reason or the other...onsite trip to US and UK, deadlines, boss pressure..all crap...it must be that girl, Reema...mentor-trainee..my foot...all those late night calls..even when he came to India on vacation.."

I dint know what to say. Should I point out to her that there is a time difference between here and out there..no no no..she would know that. Or should I tell her about the rigors of working in the IT industry? No she would know that too. Maybe what she said had some value and what she doubts is exactly what is going on. Maybe Reema was more than an associate.

So in the end, I just said a bye and left the cafeteria.

Day 9

21 Days - Day 7

It was a big day. Smita was going for Chemo and we had to prep her. I have seen this break down even the strongest person and it certainly was one of the most painful treatments. In short, it was killing of the rapidly multiplying cancer cells by medicine. The only problem was that this also affects other cells that are important; like the blood cells in the marrow, hair follicles etc.

Smita was in her terminal stage. Meaning that we caught on to the cancerous growth very late...too late in fact. What we are trying to do is to see if by chemo, we can reduce the cancerous growth, combine that with radiation and see if we can stop any recurrence, prolonging the lifespan...sounds good in theory but as any doctor would tell you, nothing is sure until we actually go through the process. No gambler would ever take this risk to ascertain as to which way the body would react to the treatment. It was totally case-specific.

The medicine that will be administered is the painful part. Chemo medicines can be given orally or as a shot and intravenously. This is determined by testing the absorption of the drug by the body. Luck wasnt with Smita. She was showing a very delayed absorption meaning that we need to get the drug into her blood circulation quick and that left us with one of the most painful ways-Intravenously.

I have seen grown men, strong men in fact cry, unable to bear the pain of the medicine coursing through the veins. I have seen people beg me to stop the treatment, not bothered that this is our last resort, our last shot in saving their life. A shiver went down my spine...damn. I dont know how Smita was going to react. The thought of the catheter in her arm...the coldness of the medicine...the throbbing pain as it races through the body.

I entered her room. It was filled up with people from the lab. Nurses ran here and there, trying to match up to the speed of the orders that were coming from the technicians. The actual radiation wouldnt happen for the next 3 hours. It was a short time gap that they had to administer the radiation after the chemo medicine has been administered.

I went by the side of the bed, placing my hand on her hand, the one with the IV line from her drips. It had been long disconnected and the line kept wrapped up on the stand.

"Doctor, can we?" the nurse opposite to me interrupted.

"uh..what? oh yes yes. Proceed" I said noticing the IV catheter in her hand.

Smita looked at me, a slight fear in her eyes. But more than fear, I saw confusion. She is in the dark as to what exactly the treatment was all about.

"Now Smita, we are going to place another line in your arm. No need to be afraid. It will pain initially but then it will be cold and no pain after that. So relax. You will be asleep in some time"

"Ok...Where is my mom..Is she not here"

Her mom was standing outside the door and chose to remain there, although I had told her that she can be there for the initial stages, right upto the point where she is taken for radiation. I didnt want to press her on and left her outside, clutching a kerchief to her face, either to stop her tears or as a last line of barrier against infection.

"Your mom is standing outside. She is not allowed inside. Dont worry. Once the procedure starts she will be beside you...you relax now"

The medicine was administered. There was a lot of twitching and twisting for some time and a short gasp and an intake of air. I turned my face away. They prepared the stretcher and loaded her onto that and took her to the radiology department. I silently followed the technicians and the nurse.

They loaded her into the lift and as the doors closed, I caught a glimpse of her face. She was asleep.


I stopped in front of the small altar that was in front of the lobby area of the second floor. I looked at the crucifix, saw the unrealistic blood where the nails had entered, the crusted blood that the artist had skillfully painted on the limbs. I was about to make the sign of the cross when something stopped me. I walked away.

Day 8

21 Days - Day 6

I ambled in to the ward about ten minutes later than my shift timings. It had been late when i had gone to bed last night. I had come to the hospital after my dinner, not really knowing why I had come back. I had spent some time roaming the wards, checking in on everyone before I entered Smita's room. I found her sleeping and not wanting to disturb, slowly tiptoed out. Not that I had anything specific to talk to her or to counter her earlier statements.

I stifled a yawn and went about my job. Couple of crisis, three new patients, one discharge later, I was tired and had missed lunch already. Not bad for a day in my life. I walked past the duty doc's room and internally debated whether to rest my tired feet or not before I caught sight of Dr. Arul come out of Smita's room. Dr. Arul was head of Oncology and was one of the most senior people in the hospital, possibly the country.

I rushed towards him and was still in motion as i sided by him.
" Ah Cathy, Just the person i wanted to see. I just saw the reports for bed number 6..."

"Smita", I interjected

"..uhh..what...ya ya Smita Smita...the reports look good..the BC count is picking up...We can start the chemo soon."

"Oh okay...we can prep her then for the treatment?"

"Oh yes..i think mostly tomorrow or day after we can", he paused,"hmmm Cathy, have they made the payment for the treatment?"

" I will have to check with the nurse and see, Doctor. "

"Good good...anything else? nothing? ok then... once you check them up, send a word to the lab intimating about the Chemo schedule"

" Yes doctor"

I watched him walk off, suppressing a reflex action to throw up. I dont know what irritated me more; His callousness or his obvious sellout to the corporate hospital we worked in.

I pushed the door open and entered. Smita was sitting up, staring into nothing

"Hi, how are you feeling today? had anything to eat or still fasting?"

"Hi,yeah had food." came a weak voice.

I turned to look at her. I have never heard her sound so low on energy.

"What's wrong, Smita?"

"Nothing...nothing at all"

"Tell me, ...What's wrong"

"It's just..just that its paining...Whenever I breathe in, there is a sharp pain. When I cough also it hurts."

"did you cough up blood? is it a dull local pain or is it a poking pain in one specific place"

"No..not now...not yet anywa.."

She couldnt talk anymore. There was a coughing fit. It threw up some blood. I rushed to her side with a kidney tray. It wasnt the first time she was getting this. It certainly wont be the last.

I wiped her face and got her some water to drink. She looked tired and weary. I lowered the bed for her to lie down.

"Dont worry. It's fine now...sleep now. I will come and check up on you later."

I couldnt move away from her side and sat in the chair next to her bed, watching her try to sleep.

"Dont worry. It will all be fine...soon..one way or another", I said to myself.

Day 7

21 Days - Day 5

 “ Why are we writing this exam only” I asked out aloud.

“ What” queried Ashok,” What exam are you talking about. I asked if you wanted cheese on your chicken burger”

I then realized I had shouted out aloud what was in my mind. Not a bad thing to do but decidedly queer to do it standing in the queue at a KFC counter.

“Uhh..no no no…was thinking about something else..make it single cheese”

We collected our trays and got back to our tables. Finding a table to sit would normally have been a herculean task but it was relatively easy on a weekday, and that too so late at night.

“ So what exam are you talking about? You have something coming up at the hospital ? “ asked Ashok.

Ashok was a software guy, some project leader or something like that in one of the big IT firms in the city. You know the soulless, dark, tinted glass buildings that are littered on the IT highway. He worked in one of those and I suspect that he was like Neo, from Matrix, able to look at the world only through code and project deadlines.

“No, nothing like that. There is this patient at the hospital. Just something that she had said”

“Oh she is got an exam coming up? You know Dilip, my new trainee I talked to you about, he just took three days off to write some certification exams. The Australian project looks like its going to get further delayed. I don’t know what to do with these people only. They are so careless and …”

His voice trailed off as my mind went back to earlier that day. Damn it. I had vowed to myself that I should not let her to get to me and I had done exactly that.

“ …and the client has been behind my back asking me what is happening with the latest requirements document he had sent in….honey, what is wrong…why are you not eating”

“ ehh..nothing Ashok nothing.. Ashok, can I ask you something? What is the purpose of all this? What we are doing?”

“ hmmm, what are you talking about… we are  getting dinner. If we don’t then we end up hungry.  If we remain hungry then we feel faint and get sick and end up taking leave..”

“sigh..not that …not what we are doing right now. But overall. I don’t see any purpose or result in what I do, day in day out. I am prolonging someone’s misery at the most and adding days to their lives. But apart from that, I feel so …so … useless”

“ phew…Cathy.. I don’t know how many times more we are going to have the same conversation over and over again. You are a doctor by choice. We both got the same marks in our boards.  You wanted to pursue medicine and I went with computers. Look at where I am today and look at where you are. You keep doubting your abilities, your knowledge, and in general the choice that you took. There is no point in all that only”

“ Ashok,  I am not talking about the choice that I took. I am talking about the choice that none of us ever had a chance to take. A choice that was taken for us, a choice that was as basic. Who decided that we should be born like this, grow up like this, do this or do that? Are we really people who have choices? I don’t think so”

“ I can’t understand what is getting to you. You always had this uncertainty about life and your choices but now you have gone one step further and are bitching about birth itself..come on..chill..relax. Life is too short to be spent worrying….we should enjoy life as it comes”

Hmmm. This from a man who flew his parents out to meet him from his hometown and then had to spend time cooped up in his office because his client was asking for some urgent release. His parents spent the entire week cooped up in his three bedroom apartment in one of the posh localities of the city. When I dropped in on them, they were like literally screaming with joy and begging me to take them out.

“ yeah life is too short to be spent worrying…too short indeed..even that is not in our hand”

“What?”

“the duration…nothing ..leave it..finish up…I need to go back to the hospital”

Day 6 

21 Days - Day 4

“Hi” I prompted

“Hi” came the weak reply.

“ I heard that you were not eating last night..what happened.. you don’t like the food here? “

“ No … I am just not hungry…”

I checked her drips and read the results of the tests that had come back. They looked ok. There was no secondary complications…yet.

“ So what is it that you are reading…” I asked, desperately trying to make chitchat.

“hmmm…Sweet Valley twins..” she said taking a momentary pause from her book.

I pottered about in the room, checking the monitors, the drips, the reports…finally running out of things to check. One part of me wanted to leave and another wouldn’t just move from the place.

I checked up on her arm, as the nurse had said earlier that day there was signs of blockage. I had to determine whether we needed to change the IV line or not. I leaned over her and checked her arm and her pupils.

“ You go to church?”

I stared at her wondering what gave me away. Then realized she must have seen the crucifix on my chain.

“Not regularly but at least one Sunday a month. Otherwise my mom gets really cranky and goes about increasing the revenue of the telecom industry by melting my ears.” I said and continued with my work.

“You believe in him? I mean god?”

I looked at her, not knowing what to say.

“ I have been brought up that way. Regular church visits, Christmas fetes and festivals. Sunday bible class. So I guess I really didn’t have a choice. yeah you can say I believe in him.”

I was waiting for her next outburst. She apparently must be a non-believer in God. Having gone through all this strife in such a young age. She has had to give up on so many things that were normal for kids her age. In return she has gone through all this pain and suffering.  She must really hate that the concept of God. She must…

“Good . I too believe in god” She interrupted my thoughts.

I don’t know what my reaction was but it certainly wasn’t a good one. She asked” What happened”

“Nothing. Nothing at all” I said

“So who do you pray to and what do you pray to “ I said in a cheerful tone, trying to recover from the derailment of my train of thoughts.

“ I don’t pray to anyone nor do I have anything to pray to” she replied.

“But ..but I thought you said you believed in God.”

“ Ya I do believe in God, but that doesn’t mean I pray. What good is prayer.”

“then what…I mean how..what exactly do you mean when you say you believe in God”

“ I just like the concept that there is somebody more powerful than me who is responsible for why I am like this…don’t you?”

“uhh I guess.. but then…” I prolonged

“Just think about it.. you have no control of your life..everything that happens to you and everything that you do…you are not to blame..gives you freedom na…to do whatever you want or able to without having to get scoldings from mom…”

“errmm..I don’t think so.. we are intelligent beings, we have the choice of making the decisions that we want..we choose to do what we want to do..we have that control na..you study hard you make it to the top..you don’t study and play around you fail your exams la…so the choice and the result of what happens to you after that is with you..and not with god la.” I finished breathlessly.

I quickly finished up, tidying down my coat and stuffed my scopes into my pocket and walked towards the door.

“bye smita…don’t forget to eat today..” I said with my hands on the handle.

“ What if someone didn’t want to write the exam at all in the first place? You talked about studying and getting good result. But what if the person doesn’t want to write the exam only? Your god is only forcing the exam. He decided who has to write and who need not”

I paused for a moment. Then opened the door and left the room.

Day 5 

21 days - Day 3

Both of us looked at each other. An uncomfortable silence, yet a silence both didn't want to break. Both fearing the direction that any conversation between us might take.

" Hi, i was just checking her vitals" i started hesitantly.

"oh k." she said and turned towards her daughter.

I felt as though i have been banished twice within ten minutes. I left the room and walked down the ward, when i realized i had left my scope in her room. I walked back to the room slowly and was about to enter when i realized they were talking inside.

" ..and Rama aunty would be coming to see you day after tomorrow. She has bought lots of sweets and those Sweet Valley twins books that you like. She is bringing her daughter, you know..Rashmi, she is of the same age as you are..."

" I don't want to see them... i don't want to see anyone."

"Why Smita, they have come down from Australia and want to see you. You know they rarely come down to India and they want to see you.."

" I don't want to see them or anyone..Just leave me alone"

" Why are you behaving like this.. they are family and they just want to see you..what is wrong in that"

" Why ... because the next time they come, they wont get to see me alive? how nice... i am so sorry to create a problem in their next year travel plans by dying so soon.. i will try to remain alive till day after tomorrow..we dont want them to be disappointed do we?"

A deathly silence ensued. I was caught in a quandary whether to interrupt or to walk away. I didnt want to do either.

A sniffling sound and i realized that either or both were crying. Should i step in? a stranger coming in might put the pause in this disturbing dialogue but i still wasnt sure if i should interrupt.

I slowly opened the door thinking there might be a scene right out of a battlefield but it still was the same room, with the same drab blue wall color and dull yellow hospital linen. The distinct but unspecific odor that always hits your nose when you enter a hospital still lingered.

I looked at them both. Both avoided my eyes and stared into nothing, but frequently glancing at me to see if i was privy to their conversation.

" I just left my scopes here...there it is..thank you.." i walked out of the room.

I was resting in the duty doctor's room when the floor nurse burst in. She had a bunch of notepads and reports in her hand.

" We have been searching for you...bed number three's pulse has been dropping...bed number 7 is waiting for his dinner...here is his recent CBG...you have to tell how many units of insulin..bed number 4 is refusing to eat her dinner..we need to take a blood sample at 9 for number 6.."

" uhh... its 212...give him 15 units of humalog regular...monitor number 3 and let me know in 15 minutes time...i will take care of number 4...ask for a lipid test for patient 6..." i said and fell back into the chair.

Bed number 4...Hmm...Smita. I really didn't want to go in again to that room. I had nothing to say to her. More than that, i didn't know what she will say to me. That uncertainty scared me. All through my life i had been prepared and prepped for whatever questions life had to throw at me, but now this...I had dealt with terminal patients before but this time was different. I was now head of this ward and the chief consult on this case.

All through my intern years and years as a doctor there had always been a hierarchy above me. For the last six months however i have been in charge. I thought that i was doing a good job but when such a responsibility comes to you, along with it comes the doubts and insecurity.

I opened the door and peeked in. The light by the bed was on and i could see that she was reading something. I entered.

Day 4

21 Days - Day 2

Previous day


“ How long have I got? “

I turned back to look at the girl lying almost missing in the huge bed, covered by the drab blue colors of the hospital linen. I had thought she was sleeping and had proceeded to check on her vitals and was noting them down on her chart.

“excuse me..what did you say”, I flustered.

“ I know I am going to die, right? Soon? I could hear the doctors tell my mom last night. Just
wanted to know how long I got.”

I looked at her, not sure as to how to answer this query. It was a tough question to answer, even to an adult. There is never an easy way to tell a person about their mortality. It gets extremely difficult when the question is posed by a child.

“ I am not sure. We are still waiting for the results of some of the blood tests we did yesterday. I think you will be healthy and going home soon.”, I managed.

“oh you are one of those..forget that I asked..”, she dismissed.

“one of what? I don’t get what you mean”

“ Look, I can see what you are trying to do here. I don’t need this ‘kindness’ from you. I am tired and old enough to understand things as I see them. Forget it”

I stood there stunned by this outburst. I must have looked real dumb and sorry-looking, left with my foot in my mouth. “Forget it” she said. “Forget that I asked”.

“uhh..I don’t have any answer. I don’t know the specs. I am just checking on your stats. The chief specialist would be coming in tomorrow. We are doing what we can.”

“ Oh forget it…I know that even if you know you wouldn’t tell me.. I hate this place. I hate everyone looking out for me. “

She couldn’t turn away because of the IV lines running to both her arms but flipped her head away and dismissed me just like that. I stood there for a while, thinking whether to continue or to walk away

I turned and left the room.



“How many times have you kissed a boy? “

I had come back to see if the IV had finished and read up on the lab reports. I tried to ignore the weak voice and continued to check on the glucose IV.

“Just curious… not that I want to intrude upon your personal stuff..”, her voice trailed off.

I looked at her “yeah I have kissed before …don’t know the number though”

“How is it.. I mean , Lavanya said it was gross…she met a boy at the last summer camp…said it wasn’t anything dazzling as she expected..wet and smelly is what she said”

“ it all depends on the moment I guess…if it’s with the person whom you care about its like wonderful..hmm I am not sure I should be talking to you about this.”

“ oh what is the big deal…everyone does it…everyone knows about it…just that I never had a chance…I could have , you know..before this wig and before I had to quit school”

I smiled at her, not wanting the feeling of sadness and despair to come out. I wanted to reach out to her and hold her.

“oh you will get your chance yet…plenty of opportunities still..you look beautiful and any boy would love to kiss you..”

She looked at me with an expression as though I was drunk and blabbering “are you really stupid or is today some special day. How do you think there can be a chance…do you think I am stupid…oh just forget it …my mistake”

“ why are you so angry…why do you blast out…I just said what I said because …because I thought so. There isn’t any need to get so angry about it…relax..see..take a look at your pulse rate..it is peaked out here…”

“just leave me alone….” And she turned the other side, looking resigned and tired.

I checked her charts, put in the values and left the pad hanging on her bed. I turned around and suddenly realized I wasn’t alone. Her mom stood there.

Day 3